Classy New Year, everyone!

Wishing you a classy new year from me, the duncess. team! Mind your liver! *chin-chin

New York's Resolution

It's not even new years but I've already given up my resolution of becoming a vegetarian. I think it had something to do with that italian tofurky sausage. It was like... cut-up pizza bagel in my penne. Not "gross" but basically an inferior product. And come on! Life is better than sh*tty food. (remember that!) So I've decided to do something cooler. Take killing lessons. Well, not killing but something like boxing, krav maga or ninja's apprentice. 'Cause it turns out that I'm a bit of a wuss. And keeping with my other resolutions of eating better and being fearless I really wanna throw my weight around in the coming year. Change is in the wind. And if the ancient myans were right this may be my last chance to make a name for myself before The Nothing comes. 

Tungfax

Now, I know tongue. In fact, I use mine everyday! So here are my favorite tongue facts! To make it more interesting I'm throwing in two unverified truths.

1. You can't taste taste on the middle of the tongue.
2. Human tastebuds last only 7-10 days.
3. It is possible to bite off your tongue, choke on your blood and die.
4. The underside of the tongue is the smoothest part on the body.
5. If the length of a bulimic's tongue is longer than half the length the distance between the thumb and forefinger, she's a fatty.

Outsider Art

Since I'm on a fixed income I haven't been able to splurge on art for my apartment. So I've been asking visitors to draw at least one picture if they want any kind of hospitality. This one's by my pals James and Katie titled "Pie". If they would've used paint instead of markers maybe I would've walked them to the bus stop. 

STYLE WARS

I cleaned up this Christmas! I didn't buy any gifts, but still managed to walk away with what veterans in the investment community call "impossible gains." One of my favorite gifts was a leopard print Snuggie® I got from my sister. Now, I consider myself a fashionable individual. And I used to say I'd rather eat a parboiled Croc® before being caught dead in a Snuggie® but it looks like all I'll be eating now is crow (really, O*****h?) because Snuggies® are mad warm! Not only is it great coverage for leaning against that hot wall in my apartment, since I'm tall and it's a blanket with sleeves, it fits me like a tailored fleece suit! My only gripe with it is since my sister and I are rocking the animal print ones, they make us look like gay Jawas. ("Not that there is anything wrong with that!")

Cosmic Coincidences III

(part I)
(part II)
Glasses* What* Been* Want You’re/your Last Play /playing Blood* Try/trying So/sew Gonna Like/likened* Home Together/2ge+her Looking* Love/lovely Hear This Day* Under* I* To* Like Just Was Hey Find Mind* Cheers* I love you* Darling/darlings My mind* Bye* 2/to You know* Book/booking Don't know* For* Crazy* There* Three/3* Them* Day/days* Started/start* Don’t* Opinion Look/looking* Fuck/fucking* I want Yeah* Hey* Three/3 People Buck* Too/2 Returns/returning* You* Time* Yeah* From But* What/waht* Don’t* Night You* Your/you’re* Sunshine/picture of the sun Have God Asked You It’s Flight Eight* Let For/4 To/too Really* Love Thank you* Live/living I* Feeling But The* Strict* You Mother’s /mom* Home* Prime* Man* Five/5* Waiting You* Great/greatest* We were* To/two Money* I* Later* You* Like Hahaha/(actual laughter)*Go to go Look I Come/coming Over* You’re/you See/seaI* Good It’s/It was* No/know I/eyes Good* One There’s* Feel/feeling Do it Black* House Need You* There once was a/ once there was a* To* Love Records Way* Long* How We were Go* Cold* Cry/cried There The room Do School *Wanna I’m* True My For/4 Can’t See As* Know* Yeah Girl* I’m getting You’re Feel* You Top* You Know* Big* Right* Give Much See/seen Died With You Can* Back Know* Shoulder* My My* My* Whole Tu/to* Would be So Wait/waiting* So* Wait/waiting* Now* Just* You* My Sleep Could* Year* Foot* Yet* Though* Heart* Yeah Don’t Stop* Day* Do* Me* Tell* You* I know* You’re Too* So* Could* Girl/girls* Tail* Me Like/liking Ready* Me* Come* Off/offline You For* Feet* You* To do* Say/says* Just Two/2 Don’t They No* Worst* You Like* Day/days Think Green* Good* You* Write* Before Cheryl* Blood* Married* Time* Crazy Hot/hottest About I* Fall/falls I/I’d To You* They It’s Is* Forgot/forget* Right* You Love* Outta there/out of here It’s Time/time’s You Get Was* Come/coming How Word/words Get/gets* You’re Feel* Know* You* If* Try Such Books/book* With I* Money Gonna Rosy/rosey* Mind Now*Know* Can’t/cannot Called In-law* Pay* You* [Home]stay/stays I am/I’m Night/tonight* Me* I* Even There/they’re I thought I was going to* Be Up* 

The True Meaning of Christmas

When I was younger, we celebrated a very Christian Christmas. We'd wake up early, read the Nativity story from Matthew and reflect on the goodness of God before ripping into our presents. We've carried on variations of that tradition as I've grown up, but it's noticeably thinned out in recent years. This Christmas was all about the meal. We scaled back the gift giving with the secret Santas, so the main focus was making sure dinner was ready at a reasonable hour. We cooked to a ready-made Christmas playlist and rounded off the baking around 4:30.

Since we're not savages, we opened dinner with a prayer. To keep the mood going, I thought it'd be nice to leave the background music on. What I hadn't anticipated was that the Beach Boys would come on just as we gathered around the table. So every time my dad would say, "...In Jesus' name." it would be punctuated by a mocking "Ooh~! Little SAINT Nick!" I tried my best to ignore it, but the growing sniggers from the visiting under-25s made me defenseless to the rhythmic undermining. I laughed throughout the prayer until I was forced to leave and turn off my iTunes. I couldn't help but think that maybe it was God's way of telling me that I was moving away from the true meaning of Christmas. Or, that it was Santan's way of claiming his stake in this growingly secularized holiday. Either way, I think I found a new tradition~!

'Twas the night before Giftsmas

I was going to write a whole revamped version of the poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," got four stanzas in and realized I wasn't up to it. (And, that it was really sh*t.) So, I decided to leave you with a Yuletide joke!

"What's the difference between snowmen and snow'omen?"
"I dunno, what?!"
"TSNOWballs!T"
"...You're gross."
❆✌☃❅hehehe... Merry Giftsmas, everybody!❅☃✌❆

It's like looking in a deep-fried mirror, y'all!

Thin Christmas

Back in early November when I made a Secret Santa Christmas agreement with my siblings, I was certain I would find career success in time for the holidays. But it's already Christmas Eve Eve ...Eve and I haven't bought a single present. Replies to my round-robin apology email assured me that they understood, but still I'd hate to be the person to break the circle of giving come Christmas day. I'm far too old for macaroni wreaths and popsicle frames, but I wonder what I could MacGyver-up for my secret gift child using objects from around my apartment. Where are them Merry Miracle Mice when you need 'em?

Here's most of the French I know!

(part I: "Here's Most of the Spanish I know")

Monsieur: Bonjour Madame Montaigne.
Madame: Ah! Bonjour Monsieur Meringue! Ça va?
Monsieur: Ça va.
Monsieur: Pardon moi mon petit ananas.
Madame: Quoi?
Monsieur: Voulez vous coucher avec moi?
Madame: Vous?
Monsieur: Oui.
Madame: Et moi?
Monsieur: Oui.
Madame: ...no. merci. No. [to waiter] Garçon?
Monsieur: Pourquoi, mon chéri?!
Madame: pomme frite ...civouplay
Waiter: Oui, mademoiselle.
Monsieur: Mon dieu! (*weeps)
Madame: Ou est le--
Waiter: [returns with fries] Voila! C’est magnifique pomme frites por vous, mademoiselle.
Madame: Mais oui! C’est tres jolie! Merci! [eats fries. Drops one.] Mon robe!
Monsieur: ...Voulez vous couchet avec waiter?!
Madame: No. Es bon ami a moi.
Monsieur: Es mon FRERE!!!
Madame: Merde! (*faints)
Monsieur: L’amore... (*smokes cigarette)

Cubian Slip

I've been filling out job apps for a while now, and for nearly every [respectable] job I can think of. And no matter the position, there hasn't been a time I didn't sing "Have you ever been convicted of a felony? YES!"

Blasted hood music'll be the debt of me if i don't watch out.

I wasn't that thirsty anyway

Don't Let Threats of Coal Stop you from Enjoying the Holiday Season

We're too old for most gifts anyway. Merry Merry!

Sometimes I have the best Jeopardy!® luck

Muscle Spaz

I don't know about you guys, but when I'm not paying attention, my body does the strangest things. It takes a lot of mental effort for me to go through the day with little more than the grace of a trained chimp. Because if I'm not vigilant my muscles move in a way I can't control and any human training I had goes out the window.

I think we're ready

Generally, once a phrase gets played out that's it. Sometimes it's a relief, as we're spared of the "Who let the dogs out?"s and "Getting jiggy widdit"s. But here are a few gems that I think could stand the test of time and that I'd love see make a comeback:

1. Did I do thaaat...?
2. Turtle power!
3. Where's the beef?!
4. Up your booty and around the corner!
5. Cut! (*sign) It! (*sign) Out! (*sign)
6. It's not a tuma!
7. Wheezing the ji-uice!
8. Wocka-Wocka!
9. You're a dead man, Ramsey!
10. Somebody STOP me!
11. Talk to the hand!
12. NOT the mama!
13. Mine ya biznis! (*twitch) Just mine ya biznis!
14. Oh botha...!
15. Make mine a CUB sandwich!

I've decided I wanna be in a band

I went to a concert for the first time in a long time yesterday and it was phenomenal! The Head and the Heart and my favorite band Stornoway. I jammed so hard I didn't know what to do with myself. So I've come to a conclusion. I wanna either start or join a band. Here's what I can bring to the table.

1. A [barely used] guitar. I took lessons in uni and entirely forgot them after I graduated. (But we don't have to be that kinda band.)
2. Obscure band T shirts. "If you've heard of it, chances are I don't got it!" Got this number last night!
3. "I don't care jeans" that have only been washed once this year. because, really, it's all about the music.
4. Vision. I can come up with band names and lyrics. We don't have to be "Secret Whiskers," I have others.   

So there. If you wanna gig together holler at me. What I lack in singing ability I make up for in gumption.

I don't understand technology

I have internet flowing through me, so why does it keep cutting out?

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "In attempt to lure women, Hungarian grandmasters introduce 'saucy' new game rule."

UCB something with cans

One of my oldest friends celebrated her birthday by organizing a volunteer party at the LA Food Bank this morning. We got there mad early and I saw that it was a common thing for people to set up volunteering efforts with them. There was another birthday party, a school group, and we saw that the Upright Citizen's Brigade was doing something as well. There were many unknown from the UCB cast, so I thought the the VIPs had peaked when I saw Wierd Al and put away my camera. But it was a veritable who's-who of people you're pretty sure you saw on TV. Alison Becker, Brendon Walsh, June Raphael, Matt Walsh, Jessica St. Clair, and the indelible talent Paul Scheer. First thing I thought was, "Okay, I wanna sort cans in THEIR line!" But instead, I was given a sticker that meant I would be corralled into an area where I'd be sorting broken toys from kid-unfriendly toiletries and later, rancid squash. It was fine, and I guess I should be grateful to be on this side of the giving machine, but I still couldn't help but feel classed out of a cooler task. (*sigh) I'll get there.

How do I make my banner blink?

Does anyone know how to do that?

 

(...this for like 5 seconds, then...)

 

(it doesn't have to be this eye though...)

 

(but I want a quick double blinky...)

(...before going back to normal. make some kinda boring anima-loop.)

And I'm not lazy. I'm "collaborating." (and ignorant.)

Letter Personality Chart

I don't know about you, but when I look at letters, or rather focus on them, each one of them has a distinct personality. I'm sure watching The Letter People played some part, but even the letters that make up what I'm typing right now each have a personality that, overtime, I've subconsciously assigned to them.  So like, I'd look at the word "word" and think, "What's 'W' doing talking to 'O'? Oh no! She must've heard something about 'V'..." I'm sure this probably says a lot more about me than it does about the letters but check it out. You may find that you might be crazy too!

Bargain Bin: Free Band Names/Album Titles

Dig in.

1. Colonel Gregory's Spirit Wank
2. Refried Beans for Baby
3. Social Tourism
4. Go gettem, Liger!
5. A Man. A Plan. A Canal. Your Mom. 
6. Top Maudlin
7. Alfred, The Technicolor Mexican
8. Gello Mentalman
9. Daily Bacon
10. Onwards and N-words

Rock on. Brrrrdeedledeedledeedleduuuuurrrr~!

Proposed Solution to Unemployment

Here's a job alert i got. Here's how I interpreted it: "Get to work! It's as simple as already being your own boss! I know it didn't occur to you before, but hey, you control the reins to your future now. Drive!"

My Paper Lamb

I once had a paper lamb. I made it in sunday school or some kind of class with a projector, guts and marker! Hmmm... not quite the same with photoshop. Sinister.

I think my mouth is broken

YOU try! "Shark Shaped Sewing Machine"
I dunno, maybe it's just me...

Christmas '89

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. When it goes well it's like ULTRA-birthday! And when it doesn't it's still better than most other days off school. My favorite Christmas is the first one I remember. Christmas 1989. It was a snowy morning in Erie, PA, I still believed in Santan and he gave me the bestest gift ever! A 3-minute ice cream maker! Creamy treats at my 5-year old fingertips! E***i, got a keyboard (that our little brother broke like 2 hours later) and O****e got an octopus. (*sigh) again. It was a storybook holiday! Even though my dad was stuck overseas because he couldn't get a visa to come home, I was too young and hopped-up on powdered ice cream to miss him. Truly a magical time of year.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night...

with the nagging feeling that it might be somebody's birthday you forgot?

Freezing Bread

My freezer is full of failed loaves of bread. A couple months ago someone told me that you can keep bread from going off by freezing it. Just put it in the toaster when you need it and they'll come out fresh as waffles. So I've been buying bread and when I think it's in danger of spoiling, I toss it in the freezer. I'm on my third loaf. Hopefully in the future science advances so I'll have the technology to eat it.

I'm learning basic html!

<html>
<title>I don't know what I'm doing</title>
<head>
shoulders <b>knees</b> toes
</head>
<body><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlwwoPFR9aYta7r-V-94FdxqGpsJ14sd9bE84z8mfbr5OxgxnKJ3sfUlU1MlPmvXZySQGyIw7R7fIh6f6MXFHtYY5sfuVuk7AVxZjqRReROer98ijcnNvV8fnXbATSFFCwFycVUMx1B1fj/s320/girl-shrugging.jpg" target="_blank"><span></span>
get me</body>
</html>

(i'll tell better jokes after i get good..)