How many types of white girl are there?

At least eleven. Introducing, in no particular order, American Girls: Felicity, Elizabeth, Kirsten, Samantha, Nellie, Rebecca, Kit, Ruthie, Molly, Emily and Julie. They're era dolls that are supposed to represent the different types of contemporary American girl.  Growing up, I was a huge fan of the dolls. My favorite one was Samantha (dead center).  She had the cutest outfits, a better bedroom set than me, and a real-live toy horse. I was determined to get her until 1993 when they debuted their black doll, Addy. I was beaming! When my catalog arrived, I flipped through it until I came to her bio and saw that she was a former slave. Even at 9, I thought, "Really, American Girl? The only black doll you could come up with was a 'courageous' runaway slave?! There're like four white dolls! ...She doesn't even have a bedroom set!!" And I fell out of love with the whole franchise.

Catalogs still come to my folks' house. Yesterday, I went through it for the first time in ages. I saw that they've since added a Native American doll in suede pjs, an American Mexican from New Mexico and a Chinese American one from San Fransiskee. Addy's even got a bed now! (Although the 'African' and inexplicable tiger on her quilt are a bit problematic..) Even though the colored dolls are a bit stereotypical, I'll agree that it's of course a step in the right direction. But now there are up to at least eleven kinds of white doll and I don't understand why. Surely there're some doubles in there! If I ever decide to buy an American girl doll I'd still buy Addy. I'd just go on eBay, buy all of Samantha's discontinued housewares and rewrite her back-story. Give her the life she's never known. Because apparently I can't rely on the cheeses at American Girl corporate to make a doll I wouldn't be ashamed to take to a tea party. Because everyone knows that slaves didn't drink tea [often].

My Phone

I don't have a fancy phone. I never have. I went from flip phone to japan where I got a flip phone to america where I got this dealy that looks like a melted ice cream sandwich. It came free with a phone my brother bought two years ago. It's a lot like the phone I had as a kid.

1. They both can't do anything fancier than calls.
2. I'm embarrassed to take them out in public.
3. And the service is just... terrible. 

I never thought it mattered what kinda phone I had as long as I could call out and keep up payments, but I dunno. Nowadays you have to own a "smart phone." My family and friends have blackberries mostly and just love the buttons off those things. They take it out at dinner and create little convo-walls with them before the food comes. It's isolating. It's even harder to answer calls around a blackberry. I keep it on vibrate and excuse myself out of the room. I bet I look like I have an overactive bladder 'cause I freeze, check my pocket and dash out. Not sure if I'll ever upgrade through.  It lets me be more present while everyone else tetrises and bbms their way through life. I say that now of course, but I think I mean it. My phone has served me well since I've come back and I don't feel the need to always have it on me. As long as no one else ever sees it, I think I'll be fine.

New Toy!

I know I sounded against it earlier but I got a gaming system. My roommate bought a Wii this past black friday! I've only played with it twice but can already tell I like it. My favorite part is the Miis, the Wii avatar you use to navigate the game. (Not that you don't know.) But yeah, it's pretty cool! Here's my dad! "Wiisa". He's so supportive! Plays in all my game-meets without a word of complaint. (*sigh) my dad is awesome...

Dream flying

I don't know why, but when i fly in my dreams i don't get that high up.  I either take slow-mo moon-leaps forward or fly with my feet nearly touching the ground like i'm being dragged by angels. next time that happens, i think i need to remind myself where i am.

Beauty and the Bigamist

Disney movies are known for leaving holes in their storylines. People or explanations that would be pertinent to the story are sometimes wholly unaddressed. (Like, where was Andy's dad in Toy Story? Where did Jasmine learn those kick-ass high-jump moves in Aladdin? or Wouldn't Nala be Simba's 1/2 sister if Mufasa was the only lion in the pride?) I was watching Beauty and the Beast yesterday and thought, "Where's Belle getting all these gowns from...? I don't recall her packing an overnight bag." 's odd, right? I've come up with a possible plot plug.

What if when Beast was a douchebag prince he had some kind of live-in lady. And after he told that beggar woman to f*ck off she was turned into like, a spoon or something, like everyone else. And Beast didn't mess with her anymore because, cummon, how's that gonna work? Or worst yet, what if she was just edited out because she didn't want to mess with (*whispers) beastly penis..! I think the most telling clue of this is young Chip. Mrs. Potts is way too old to have a cup that age. I know it's France, but let's be realistic. Anyway, Belle doesn't seem to mind, and just goes from scene to scene wearing that jilted dame's clothes. And how convenient Belle's the same size... Looks like SOMEbody's got a type...

Score!

I think I'll hold onto it for a while. Keep it with my other treasures...

Very Special Thanxgivin'

Tomorrow's the first thanxgivin i'll be spending with family since 2006! Yeah! Aaaand my sister and I are hosting it in our new apartment! So it's a biggun'. We've spent all day grocery hoppin', buying all the instant foods they carried. (I ♥ tinned food!) I'm not the most experienced cook so I'm glad all i'll need is right-hand-wrist-strength to prepare my part of tomorrow's feast. I'm really excited about tomorrow! I think i'm going to ham up how much the holidays with family means to me for extra yams and first crack at the wishbone. 'Cause I need a chance at that wish!

The Gift of Groban

Being a type of woman, I sometimes watch Oprah. I caught her "favorite things" show. An episode where she gifts an unexpecting audience with things they never knew they wanted. One of her blessings this year was a performance by Johnny Mathis and Josh Groban. I used to think of Josh Groban's music as the soundtrack of the uninteresting woman, but now, I dunno. From what I could tell from watching his performance in fast-forward, it didn't look half bad. Plus Oprah likes him so that's gotta mean something. ("She's my kwaen!") But yeah, I'm not going to chance it by buying a CD. I'm content watching him jig on my screen at 3x's speed. "And that's what Christmas means to me. Thanks." (*picks nose)

Making dinner

One of the great things about having a roommate is that time-to-time they share their dinner. I lived alone in Japan, and in three years, cooked maybe.... 23 times? I'd get back from work knackered and would just snack on whatever I had around. (A thing I'd call "snackering") Or, I'd pop off to 7-11 and pick up meals for the week. It was no way for a growing lady to live. But yeah, living with someone else is awesome. I bet a lot of dopes get married for meals. It's a sweet deal really, until the other person realizes you haven't made dinner all week. And that you're not even sleeping together. (GROSS! She's my SISTER!!) That's why I'm making cooking tomorrow. A gorgonzola-chicken ready-meal that just needs to be heated and tossed over pasta. Hopefully it tastes good enough for me to coast on free dinners 'til Thanxgivin'. Then, my goal is to stretch leftovers 'til [C]hannukah.

Names are not only important, they're necessary.

(Hint: None of these are for your tea. ...i think)

A Slur is Born!

My sister and I went to our local hot doggery yesterday to catch up with an old friend. We always go to that place because the food is great, the staff is nice (and gives me free juice) and they always have something interesting playing on one of their 5 flat screens. I was sitting opposite my sister watching this black and white movie that had Sammy Davis Jr and that black woman from Boomerang who goes "Marcus...! I'm not wearing any panties." and I asked my sister "What is this, 'Raisin in the Sun?'" and she goes, "Umm... wow. It's the Lakers!" See, the screen facing her was the game and she thought I was pointing out the large amount of black people on NBA teams by saying it was an all-black production.

It would be pretty awesome if i were knowingly that clever. I think it's hi-LA-rious because it can be used for anything! Like, if you drive up to the club and see a whole bunch of black people in line? ("What is this, 'Raisin in the Sun?'") If you go into a store and all the tellers are black? ("What is this, 'Raisin in the Sun?'") Or you [insert a situation with a lot of black people in it]! If you wanna use it, there should be at least three black people to make it work. But use this phrase at your discretion. I can say it whenever I want 'cause (*whispers)... I'm black. Jeeeeeealous...?! (*crip walks)

Really cool or really gross?

I had an idea to collect a sample of hair at least once a year until I die. I think it'd be cool because over time i'd be able to see a fading rainbow that shows I was once young and remind me that I'm going to die. But then I'm thinking it would be gross because for most of the time it'd just be a dusty vile of hair I'd have to explain to any one who saw [where i hid] it. And I'm pretty sure no one would think it was cool so i'd always have to come up with stories about how I'm... iono... trying to see if over time they'd form one long strand? Or say I'm collecting samples for that clone I'm trying to grow and then absorb? That's no way to live. No. Not in the future. Maybe this isn't such a good idea...

When it rains, it pours

After my scare last week I've spent at least 10 hours a day looking for work. And because of that, in the past two days, i've been on 4 interviews! When I left Japan, I didn't think a lady as clever as me ("I" ...see?!) would be unemployed for as long as I've been, so my savings have taken a beating. And so has my confidence. But I'm working my tookus off to make sure I can afford to maintain this lifestyle. Anyowl, tomorrow's a big 'un! An amazing company with an amazing record that I'm sure would just be amazing to work for. So I'm spending the evening making sure I come off amazingly in person. Because I seem to get enough interviews I just haven't figured out how to get them to like me. But I really want this job so I'll try anything. So far my plan is to wake up early, go to a bakery and get that sugary stink soaked into my clothes. No one can resist hiring the girl who smells like cookies.

weakness

You know what scares me more than undead potatoes? Melted plastic. I don't wanna get too into it, but I could be ruled by a melted spoon if news of this got to my enemies. Anyowl, after spending the day looking for work, I decided to wash dishes in the evening. I go to the stove to take a pot off and notice that it's warm. I look at the burner and I see the tiniest firebeads warming the pot. But I've been home all day and hadn't cooked. It turns out my roommate had cooked yesterday night and hadn't turned the stove completely off. I look into the pot and i saw that the spatula thing started to melt into the pan. I just turned off the oven and walked out of the kitchen. And that's all that happened. It's still in there. And is gonna be if I have nothing to do with it.

guess i should be happy it wasn't gas..

Returning Food

I'm trying to turn my digestive life around in the new year so this weekend I bought some steel cut oats from an organic grocery. I heated them up, added some brown sugar, milk and cranberries and they were just... awful. So I've decided to return them. But I don't have the best memories returning food. I remember once I bought some Soft Batch® cookies from Albertson's and they were all hard and crumbly so I decided to return them. They inspected it and as they handed my money back to me they said, "Next time, try not to eat a whole ROW before you decide you don't like them."

That was embarrassing for me.

Also, remember "Undercover Bears"?! Maple gummi bears hidden in instant oatmeal? They were awesome! *sigh. Why can't I eat my meals in the past?

Judgement

It's easy to dismiss things as lame even if you know nothing about them. I’ve grown to form opinions about things that I’ve never seen or heard based on what little I know about them. I don’t consider it holier than thou (but feel free) I consider it a solid understanding of "self." A lot of it has to do with the fact that these things are forced into my consciousness despite my lack of interest. I've been made to know how to pronounce "Bieber" and "Snoooooky" and understand vampire/werewolf hierarchies all without my consent. But I guess it is an expected annoyance like advertising and people born in the 90s. Now, I don’t condemn anyone for liking anything that I think sux. I just would like the right to comment on anything I'm certain would offend my senses even if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

100th Blog Post!!!

Um... wow. This happened so fast, I didn't have time to prepare. More than anything I'm a bit embarrassed that I've reached this landmark so quickly. But well, thanks for sticking with me these... two months. I hope that you found things you liked about what I wrote. And i'm glad that you kept the things you didn't like to yourselves. I'll try to continue to write things, but not as frequently.

You're welcome for any laughs, guys.

lazy-man's game

(left hand) we saw a better free sweater tree created bad crew darts carts were rates drawers fatter brats weavers beavers taxes sexes great teats twatted fart rat!

(right hand) you him kill joy kin hill pill oil kiln nun puny hulk lull pull

"Who's the dominant hand now?!" And I can type all this with both hands. COOPERATION IN 2000 11!

Cosmic Coincidences II

(part I)

Man Gets Around* See you/ seeing you* Know* Turn* Miles* Sorry Oh yeah The Embarrassing* Apartment/apatto* I’m You* Change/changes* Remember* That* Just* More* One* I’ll And* Just You* Back Me* One Say Can You Get* Classes/classy All* See* This’ll/this will* I’m* May be/maybe I don’t* Good Me* You’re She/she’s* Sis/sister Know* Happy You* Floor* God What Friends Question* Sad Dream Take I* Happy/happily Wall* We were Fool/foo’ You* Change* Work/works* Go* That* True You* Yeah Long* Just Head/ahead* You* Nic/nick* Beautiful Don’t* Good* Right* Your I* Want Converse* FUK/fucking* Awesome For* Can’t/cannot* I’m Said* You* Talk* Do Know* Tell Help/helps You One/ones* Care* Dead/dead-end [street]* Come/coming You* Rest* The* I can Familiar* A way/away* To Time What you got* To* You* Of* Change* Given it/ gave it* Bubble/bubbles* Words Blue Head/heads Make Want* Like Remember* After* Baby* I don't know* Both Thanx/Thank you Well* Girl/girls* Be* We* One Yeah* 04/four Deepest/deep* London* No Know* Come* True* Running I thought* White stripes/white stripe* Smile* Designer/designers* Mother/mothership* Know Nothing/nothings Hand/hands* Can’t I love* I/I’m* Leads You* Dress/dresses Good* She/she’s* This is* True Notes* She/she’s* Got I’ll* Come* Seven* Me* She* Know* Just* House* If I* I’m Hand/hands Window Your* Skin We were* What happens when See* But* Go* Cross/crossed Later Full/fool* Bye-bye/buy* London 4* To Tuesday Wednesday/tue wed* Say Keep it* You/you’ll* Songs* Lake* Alright/all right Feel/feeling* Right* Goodbye* Say Like* Mind* Yeah* Don’t* Know Through* Hard There is/ there’d* We Don’t know* You* Mind* Home* Tells/told* You God* She Walking away/ walk away

Guess who has two thumbs and just got off the phone with Jason Ritter?!

This monkey! My sister walked up to him in a bar and called me! glad he couldn't see me 'cause I don't think I blinked once.

Delicious Murder

I've had a problem eating meat for a while. One notable time was when I was like 14 and my mom called me into the kitchen to help her cook dinner. She was making chicken (typical) and she wanted me to help her separate the leg/thigh parts into smaller portions. She gave me a knife and I looked down at the sink full of bird-limbs and just started crying. I remember being very aware that I would be mutilating a dead animal. My mom laughed at me and sent me out of the kitchen. Now this doesn't mean that I've ever stopped eating meat. (Or that I didn't eat dinner that night.) I've just lived life conflicted. Just like that bishop who [insert topical joke]! So I decided to stop living a lie. I resolved to give up meat in the New Year. But it's really difficult! Most of the delicious foods I can think of have meat in it. In fact, I'm eating meat now! But I have to change. 'Cause eating meat is monstrous! And so WHAT if that mushrooms, tomatoes and pineapple pizza I ordered the other day wasn't delicious?! I'll be satisfied in the knowledge that some chicken somewhere will be able to grow into a rooster cuzza what I've done! Yeah. You're welcome.

I just noticed

I just noticed my other "Today, in [fake] news!" post was posted on 10/10. And today, 11/11, I completely coincidentally did my 2nd installment.

All I'm saying is, "Alright. Noted."

(not sure why I hyperlinked the 2nd one... twice.)

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "Decorated soldier, and notorious boaster, designs special jacket with pocket-size he 'deserves'."

Fate

I had my palm read by a 16 year old Japanese girl once. She took my hand and told me that I would find true love and I smiled. Then she said but I will we be married three times. Then I wiped my hand on my trousers. I'm sure that handled that. But if not, bring it awn!

Low Point

Just contacted my former internship and let them know that I didn't get the job. Hope I don't have to return the cake...

One of the worst things I can think of?

When you open your cupboard and find a bag of potatoes that, after however long, grew white vine-arms out of their "eyes" after being forgotten in the dark. If you're wondering why there's no picture, I'd rather look at a skinned cat's face then see something like that again.

Ah well.

It's funny how you can convince yourself that something you didn't get was something you never really wanted. It turns out that the job that I thought I had, I don't have. And didn't get. Although it sucks that I'm not employed (and that I quit my internship) I am (just the tiniest bit) relieved. Although I would've been fine doing that job for however long, when I thought of the tedium of my day-to-day I got a bit depressed and looked off to the middle distance. So I'm back to being unemployed, but I haven't lost hope. I've resolved to triple my efforts! Even though math tells me that that would still yield zero results I'm hopeful that something that pays something will come my way and pay me something. It has to, right? I think I'm going to take the evening off (not that that's new) and take some time to collect. ...coins. and possibly cans. you can never be too sure. (haha "can")

Stealing heat

Today was the coldest day of the season in LA. Tonight, the temperature dropped to a frigid 56 degrees (13C). Now I know cold but today I was properly chilly. My apartment is big and the ceiling is pretty high so it's been pleasant all summer. But it's turning winter and that spells trouble for me since my house has already been the hottest it can get. And if I've learned anything in siyince class it's that it costs to heat a large house, so turning up the thermostat is out of the question. But i think i found a way to save on heating! There's this spot on the wall beside the vent in my dining room that's really hot. And when I lean against it, I can nearly swear I have a better quality of life. My guess is that the folks that live above me have jobs and can pay for warmth. Little do they know that I'm siphoning off the heat as it comes up from the basement. I've been taking my meals at the wall and don't plan on budging 'til bedtime. haha Unsuspecting fools.

Choosing an alarm clock

Choosing the right alarm clock is a difficult task. If you're like me and your cell can't handle anything more than a phone call you rely on an alarm clock to get you up in the morning. Since I'm transitioning into full-time work I've been shopping around for alarm clocks. But it's freaking hard! You can't just go by looks because there isn't a standardized tone used to wake people up. This sucks for me because I'm an extremely light sleeper and only need a single "get up" to rouse me. I had to get up for "work" at 7am the other day so i bought an alarm clock. But when it went off it sounded like a panic alarm! Like, "EVERYONE, EVACUATE THE SCIENCE LAB!" It was awful. I was tense all morning. So I returned it and bought another one. A classic number that looked like a drawing. Perfect, right? But I take it home and the hammer thingie didn't reach the bells. So I'm back to square one. Drinking 2 glasses of water before bed. Hey, it worked for the Apaches.

Getting Played

I'm starting to see a lot more commercials for gaming consoles that allow players to dance, gallop, raise pets and do crunches. I'm not sure how far reaching this technology is but I reject the notion of any game that forces me into action and then claims that I'm in control. How can I be if I'm just following the programmed agenda of a bunch of 0s and 1s? I'm not sure what they're grooming me for but I don't like it one jot. Oooh! unless it's a Playstation Move®! Now THAT'S the future!

You hear it too, right?

Does the lady sound like she's saying the "home" in "home menu strangely? I'm hearing "hawm menu".

Memory Lame

I don't remember high school fondly. (I shouldn't.) I wasn't particularly popular but at the same time I wasn't "unpopular". Also I wasn't bullied or made to feel any sort of way about my social standing. (I'll put it is way, I either wasn't cool enough to be offered drugs or people protectively thought I wouldn't be into it.) Anyway, high school just wasn't for me. After I graduated, I didn't look back. I went off to university then off to Japan. The only other time I even stepped foot on h.s. property was in 2006 when my brother graduated.

Today I helped the class of 2001 sell concessions at the homecoming game to raise money for their 10-year reunion. It was weird because I ran into all sortsa people that I haven't seen or even THOUGHT of since they crossed the stage nine years ago. All the people I saw could be separated into no more than three camps. 1. Haven't changed, 2. Fat 3. Don't remember. (and possibly 4. I remember that they were more popular then me.) I'm not so evolved that I'm not somewhat bitter.

So what?

Today was the first day since I started this blog that I didn't post anything. Thought I would feel worse.

Mental Powers

When you're unemployed (or prematurely end your internship) you'll be surprised how easy it is to fill a day with tasks. Today, I helped a friend paint her bedroom. And before you say I was Huck Finn'ed into it, (shit, or Tom Sawyer'ed. I don't read.) I volunteered. I had to do the window moulding (or "sill") and asked if I could sit on her bed. She said no and I was like, "Fine. I'll kneel." As I crouched at the window I thought, "It's funny how the act of bending one's knees to the ground is called 'kneeling.' I wonder if there're other verbs like that..." As my absentminded strokes f*cked up her wall (and a liiiiiittle bit of her carpet) I brained as much as I could. I only came up with "handing/handling" something. If that impresses at least one of you, then I've done my "job".

Let me start by saying

<--Before After-->

I love a good character face as much as the next ho, but I'm teaching myself photoshop and wanted to try photo enhancement. And let me also say I think Thom Yorke is perfect and that no digipen can improve upon what he naturally has going for him. I just wanted to play with warping and symmetry and wondered what could be done. Whadaya reckon? It's this kinda thing that both intrigues and repulses me about technology.

Once my brother did one of Seal. He started with the after and when I saw the before I screamed.

I will try my best to not turn this into a photoshopping blog. (Unless it becomes more interesting than any content I can think up.)

...so I like glitter now.

That's okay. You will too. I think it's an improvement.

disgusting.

farewell-cake

Today was my last day physically going to my internship so I got a farewell-cake! See, I kind of found a job last week. But in a haze of excitement and stupidity, I didn't get any specifics about where it is and have no idea when it starts. Long story incredibly short, I couldn't reach the guy over the weekend, so when I arrived at the address I found online I was told they moved in April. So now, I'm just waiting. I'm not disheartened. I'm in "transition". I do have a job. I'm just not sure when. So if all goes well, next week I'll be starting work as a fashion copywriter and be that much closer to a career in _______ journalism. And if not, I'll hit up my old retail job or be forced to find any kind of paid work before I suck the yolk completely out of my nest egg.

grim.

Votin' Day

haha listen everybody... "EGG Whitman"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and "SCARY Brown"!

(*sigh)...I'm Hilarious.

Solution to Vagrancy

Today I saw two homeless people use their hands to cover their ears. One looked all right, but I saw the other one when I was further North and he looked like he was in terrible pain. I listened in but I felt totally fine. I have a theory.. (*coughs)hobosonarpulse.