And the winner is...!

Nothing makes you feel as low as a delivery place saying you're out of their area. It's a special kind of shame that really makes you wish you made different life choices. Because of this my roommate and I have been caught in the pizza turf wars (We rep Papa John's! *v-sign "p-JOHNS!") as they're the only places close enough to deliver to us. It kinda blows. But we've always craved something more substantial. So today we made a lazy-man's bet that we'd try our darndest to see if we could find a Thai place that would deliver to us OR be forced to cook for ourselves.

It took some doing but we did it! After being told by one place with a 3 mi delivery radius that our 2.8 miles were in the wrong direction, and being hung up on by another, we ended up finding a undelicious joint that wasn't scared off by our zip code. I've never been so happy to spend $15 dollars on slightly burned rice. Turns out we'd rather eat convenience than our own cooking. So we... won?

Saga Wards

I had the opportunity to work a Hollywood awards party today. I didn't have the coolest task by any stretch of the imagination. But it did give me the opportunity to watch the show as few have. (By being quietly ghetto from the mezzanine.) I saw some of the brightest stars today like Natalie Portman, James Franco and that other one! And it was kinda awesome. But at the same time I never felt further away from fame. Now, let me just say that it's not my goal to be famous. (unless this duncess thing really takes off! *fingers crossed) And I wasn't struck by the sad realization that I haven't yet "arrived". But I was very aware that the status on my access pass meant that I could be no more than a noisy voyeur. Or, if i dared, a phantom interloper throwing pieces of pastry on Tina Fey from the shadows. I guess it's not the first time that I've felt this way, but it was solidified in the production wrap up party after the show. It was very much the "junior prom" of the celebrity after party. Full of hard working behind-the-sceners who were either just too shy or pimple-faced to be invited to the popular kids' party. But it was still pretty cool being there as I was able to jam on residual tunes leaking from the party tents and was able to eat all the snacks I could steal. Not to mention that I got paid to step into traffic. So all in all, pretty good for a Sunday.

[dude/lady] looks like a [lady/dude]

How's THAT for uncanny?!

Happiness

Being a type of woman, I sometimes watch Oprah. I watched an OLDprah on my dvr today about "Happiness". It came down to Oprah not understanding how someone who makes under 100k could be happy, but she agreed it could be supplemented by sex, close friends, relationships with neighbors, children, wide sidewalks and about 8 hours of social interaction a day. Now, before I watched it, I thought I was happy. Like the other day, I saw a pirate clown and a dead eyed baby on the bus and I just felt happy to be alive. But the show really had me thinking that I need to make my days more robust. Not just 8-hour sex sessions with my neighbor's kids on the broadest stretch of sidewalk on our block, but making sure I do at least one thing a day that makes me happy. Because if I can be on a 6-month "vacation" and still be categorically unhappy then I must not be living my best life. If only there was a sure fire way stack cheer in my favor... 
I'll get back to you.                                                                       

Would you rather be cool or smart?

Wilderness Survival Guide: Snakes

Please tell me I'm not the only one who...

...knocks over their boots at night because in the dark upright boots look like tell-tale sign of a visiting pervert ghost.

(btw, this is one of the laziest photoshoped pics i've done. but stay tuned!)

Some bad news

It turns out that I may not be able to post as frequently as I'd like. My new transitional status means that my free time'll most likely go to resting and replenishing my electrolytes. I'll try my best to maintain this momentum but I won't make any promises. For those steady five that are fans of my blog, I apologize that things are going well enough that I may not be able to dedicate as much time to posting nonsense. To those that aren't fans of my blog, let me direct your attention to the "Next blog" link at the top of this page. If random f*ck up brings you back to my blog, I hope that my future posts won't disappoint you.

Some good news

I've come into some money. Actually, I've come into the hope that I'll have some money relatively soon. Looks like I may start proper career work soon! I know I've had a couple false promises of employment, but this one looks different. I don't wanna jinx it, so that's all I'll say about that at the moment. But I'm already making plans on how to spend my first paycheck! Priority numbero ichi: Curtains.

Check out my bedroom. Now imagine it's nighttime and you're standing outside my window looking in and you can see as clearly in as you can look out my windows now. Now open your eyes. (And get your hand out of your pants.)

No curtains has (have?) made my evening rituals awkward, to say the least. 

Yeah, this is almost CERTAINLY an improvement.

Cosmic Coincidences IV

(part I)

(part II)

(part III)

So* You/you’ve* Game* Maybe* Sometime Remember* September* With Love/lover* Out Drive/driving* Sister Fuck/fuckin’ *Water* Restaurant 1/one Blackout* Tub* Here 4:30/ “four and a half” Cracker/crackers Change* Willow*Back/backwards* Today For Doing/doign* Funny While Back* Nine* Me Sometimes* Am Sugar* Bill/bills* Step Your* ‘Til* When House/houses* 25 Can* You* Sun* clear Pull* There* Like Awesome Bred/bread Thanks/thank you You To Internet* ‘cause* I don't* I need* Friends Love Last Being* America’s/America* Skills* You Assisting/assistant* All I/I’ve* American/America* Deighton/Dayton*Administrative/administrator* But I/But I’m Know/no Now Yeah Me Serious* Just* When* Woman On Yours Kids [Never]mind/mind* Hall* Off* I just* More Oyster* Someone Think Ticket/tickets Dream/dreams Into* Work/worked Like Yeah Size Needs to Feel Warned/warning Boy/boys* Today To* Party* School/schools* Guy Like Students Circus Fox/foxes In room/in the room Also But All Know* For Some* Know You I’m* Face Did Right Picky* [In]to/2 Have/having Clean/cleaners As a/as the* Dance* California* Sleep You Know/no* I Drug/drugs MeIt Seat/seats* You* With/without* Party You* Get* Kissed/kiss Truck/truckers* Go Old/older* Next The* Vampire* Choose You/you’re* 2 Like* Hear Look/looked Missed* Choose Renew/renewed* Know* My* Like* You Jobs* I* Time Work* Time* Ten* Movie Love* Change You Day* Power* For Money* Online* Never On* With* I Yours truly, Look/looking* Japan* Writing/right You I’m not gonna/I’m not going to* You Family Different/differently* If Know* Moves Air/heir[looms]* In Of Card Good job* Moment Fair Pentagon* Week* Isn’t* Like Got* Hey Christmas* Shark* Right/writing* It’s Gonna See Corner* I don’t* Right/write Christmas There is Get there* Life Want/wanted Live (like “now” i.e. “live TV”) Don’t Wish Hope/hopefully* Can’t* Your Strangest* Thinking* Music* You* Today* Tonight* Day/today* It’s Snow* This Know* Funny Wall Around* Technology/technologies* Go* Already Weight Show Ashley*Potato/potatoes* Right* Famous* Like* Crazy/craziest* First* Showed off/ showing off New/knewDay/days Layer/layers You* For* Me* Time* Can/can’t Day/days* Show/showing Hello*For/forward* Found it* Tuesday* You* req[uest]/requested*

Okay! So now you're all caught up. Hopefully together we can solve this divine conundrum. And I gotta say, I'll miss the nebulas.

Mad Me

I don't download movies. I'm a big buyer of CDs, Mp3s, DVDs and other media. I even go to concerts! I'm all about support, so I don't want any judgment when I say I'm forced to stream missed episodes of programs I pay for.  I've been trying to watch Mad Men on my On-Demand for AT LEAST 4 months, and I think that's ridiculous given how easy it is for information to be shared nowaydays. It's little consolation that I found a Korean sub on some forgotten website at the end of the internet that takes 3 days to load 10-minutes of episode. That is NOT why we fought that war!

Settling Affairs

Followed my brother to close his Chase Account. We wanted to get it as a cashiers check, but we decided 6 bucks is a lot of money to say "That's funny".

A Very Serious Tom & Jerry

I tivo Tom & Jerry (why not?) and came across this really odd one where Jerry and a friend try to fool Tom into thinking he's trying to kill himself in his sleep. I still may not be old enough to watch this one.

Ricky Wiki Blasty*

Just innocently googling Gervais (or "Gergling"). Looks all right...

That is, until the preview for his wikipedia page.

Way to go, offended parties. This is a lampoon he won't soon forget. 

(*Like a mongoose that preys on haters!) 

Horse Math

There are at least two kinds of unicorn. Ones with wings and ones without. U + W = U

A winged unicorn without a horn is a pegasus. {(U + W) - H} = P

 A pegasus without wings is a horse. P - W = H₂

A horse with without legs? H₂ - L =...

Is glue! = G

(I don't think it's funny. I just like drawing with my fingertips.)

I need a new TV

I'm a firm believer of if it ain't broke, screw the upgrade, (That's why my ipod is like an inch thick and my phone only calls out.) but this is no way to watch TV.

I wonder what's going on back there...

eh, it's not so bad

And I already forgot what the old profile looked like!

Rap Libs: DMX - "Bring Your Whole Crew"

Play along! Just pop in the "radio-edit" version CD, skip to track 2, and remember, NO PEAKING!

(SAMPLE)

1. liquid - soap
2. different liquid - milk
3. body part - nose
4. past tense verb - ate
5. noun - phone
6. noun - grass
7. verbing - dancing
8. verb - cook
9. adjective - fat
10. "negative" adjective - stinky
11. noun - booger
12. different "negative" adjective - slutty
13. noun - pickle
14. verbing - washing
15. noun - cookie
16. noun - sock
17. mild profanity - butt
18. object - candle
19. adjective - pretty
20. noun - TV
21. event - graduation
22. noun - dollar
23. noun - shoe
24. adjective-er - livelier
25. noun - boy

(TEMPLATE)

DMX - "Bring Your Whole Crew"

I got (1. liquid) on my hands and there's no remorse. I got (2. different liquid) on my (3. body part) 'cause I (4. past tense verb) a corpse. I'm a nasty (5. noun). When you pass me (6. noun) look me in my eyes! And tell me to my (7. verb)ing face that you ready to (8. verb). You be a (9. adjective) (10. "negative" adjective) red (11. noun). Don't be stupid you heard what I said, (12. different "negative" adjective)! Who shot you? ohhh (13. noun) like you don't know! Stickin you for your dough while I'm (14. verbing) your broke (15. noun). Yo, don't you get the picture (16. noun) can't touch me. 'Cause I don't give a (17. mild profanity), G! I'll get you touched, B! I got choice ripple my (18. object) take apart a door. And enough (19. adjective) (20. noun) behind me to start a[n] (21. event). So what you want (22. noun)? Help me is about your best, when I'm finished Red Cross couldn't clean up the (23. noun). And a vest will do nothin but make you look a little (24. adjective)er. 'Cause in the dark you ain't nothin' but a lil' (25. noun)!

(MY ANSWERS)

I got soap on my hands and there's no remorse. I got milk on my nose 'cause I ate a corpse. I'm a nasty phone. When you pass me grass look me in my eyes! And tell me to my dancing face that you ready to cook. You be a fat stinky red booger. 
Don't be stupid you heard what I said, slutty!
Who shot you? ohhh pickle like you don't know! Stickin you for your dough while I'm washing your broke cookie. Yo, don't you get the picture sock can't touch me.
'Cause I don't give a butt, G! I'll get you touched, B!
I got choice ripple my candle take apart a door. 
And enough pretty TV behind me to start a graduation.
So what you want dollar? Help me is about your best, when I'm finished Red Cross couldn't clean up the shoe.
And a vest will do nothin but make you look a little livelier. 'Cause in the dark you ain't nothin' but a lil' boy!

"The lyrics may be fake, but the laughs are real!"

Sleeping Trouble

The way I sleep gives me incredible wrist pain. I'm a very light sleeper so I can't nod off unless I'm 100% comfortable. And it seems that the only way I can get comfortable is by crunching my hand to my arm, compressing my wrist, to form a pillow under my right cheek (figure 1). I do that, and I'm usually out in under 10. But I wake up with throbbing wrists and am good for little more than opening doors and wagging my finger at delinquents. It's becoming a real problem. Especially since I don't drink milk. Regular hands are rubbish for putting under your face because of upward-facing fingers (figure 2). Palms can suffocate. And I feel I look like a corpse if I sleep with my arms at my side. I suppose that shouldn't matter if I don't plan on dying in my sleep, but sometimes I wish I didn't have hands so I could sleep soundly. Then I think, if I'm wishing, I should probably wish for no wrist pain.

Friendly Boast

Sometimes I think I'll never leave. I also had chili cheese fries for dinner. Jealous?!

Conversation on Buoyancy

Me: Check it out! That submarine just went under water. Isn't that crazy?! It's completely gone now.
Brother: That's not crazy.
Me: What are you talking about?! It was there, then it went underwater! It doesn't make sense!
Brother: Submarines make total sense. You know what doesn't make sense? Boats. Boats are ridiculous. 

more like FORCEbook!

I'm not a huge fan of e-change. So I wasn't too pleased a few months back when I saw facebook previewed another format change. I've had a facebook account since 2004 and have maybe witnessed all the changes they've debuted. And I remember hating each of them. Once I thought I could scare them by joining the group "If facebook changes, I'm out." But they ignored me and I later forgot what the old format looked like. But this time's different! This new format is the changiest one yet! It's so different from the way I've gotten used to facebook. At first, they asked me like a kind aunt, "You'd sure look good in that new profile I knit you." But now they're forcing it on me like oh so many unwanted school clothes. I dunno but I think I need a new look.

(Notice how they put my profile pic in the middle of my, at least, 100 friends who changed to the new format! "This could be you!")

Everybody's a critic

We may not have the same taste in films, but lets agree that anyone who gives a film a 1-point score on a 10-point scale is basically saying that film shouldn't've been made. Below are just a few of the films I've watched recently that I really enjoyed. They're generally known as some of the best films ever made but there are some people out there that feel these geniuses missed the mark. It just goes to show you that no matter how great a film is, someone out there hates it. 

The moral of this post is: "Eff the haters! Do what you want."

My New* Toothbrush

Most people change their toothbrush every 3 to 6 months. I follow a different schedule. Something hilarious usually happens to mine before I'm forced to replace it. This time, it was the early morning clatter of my roommate, her profanities and running tap water that made me fear the worst. Although she assured me that she "disinfected it" I figured it was time to take a trip to my local toothbrushier for their 2011 models. And they had all kinds! Bendy ones. Ones with wavy bristles. Bristles that faded if you had it too long. And long ones with rubber criss-cross bristles for if you REALLY cared about your teeth! I was all set to pick that one when my roommate showed me what looked like the plainest toothbrush in stock. It was a "green" toothbrush made entirely from recycled yogurt cups. My immediate reaction was "Eww" at the thought of cleaning my mouth with trash. But then I read that after 3 months, you can mail it back in its packaging to be recycled. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt that my old brushes were probably weeping in a landfill somewhere. So being the uninformed bleeding heart I am, I bought it even though I was totally grossed out. So that's that. You may've thought you did your part with those pink lids, but there's a new cancer in town, ladies and mentalmen. People. And it's ravaging the teat of our dear Mother Earth. So show you care. Buy a used toothbrush today.

(*brought to you by smelted garbage.)

Free hand

A pencil, in itself, is just an object. But it holds a great deal of potential. Sometimes after I draw or write, I look at the pencil and think "Wow! All that was in there?!" Then I grab a new sheet and let the pencil do it's own thing. With varying results.

10 Uses for the plastic [carrier] bag

1. Matter carrier
2. Simple puppet
3. Cabinet stuffing
4. Doll parachute
5. Emergency air supply
6. Wireless kite
7. Cat startler
8. Cat* silencer 
9. Unconvincing wig
10. Depressing "cheering" equipment

(*also great for raccoons)

2001: Space Expectations

I've been researching for an awesome job opportunity by watching classic movies. The most recent being "2001: A Space Odyssey." Some parts were a bit too post-modern for me to get, I watched it until the end. From what I understood, it's a story about a group of American astronauts sent on a mysterious mission to Jupiter. The crew is comprised of 2 astronauts, 3 hibernating researchers and a super-computer called "HAL 9000". The film is considered by many critics one of the greatest movies ever made, but it just made me feel that we let down the past'os. The movie came out in 1968. One year before America put a man on the moon. (Already a little hasty.) Watching it, I became aware that we've really been dragging our asses when it comes to space exploration. But I find it pretty unfair that Kubric thought that in 33 years we would standardize commercial space travel. That's an awful lot of pressure. Anyowl, 2001 is officially 10 years ago so lets see how we measure up!

Howard Johnson? really?...alright. And check out them fancy space chairs! Those would be considered modern today! I wish Kubric could see the chair I'm sitting in right now. So dull, it looks like a drawing.

People hardly drink such delicious dinners. (It looks like the this illustrator is a descendent of the dude that drew covers of Little Golden Books.) And Pan-am only makes bags now.

Well, at least we finally got the iPad. Nine years late.

When your world looks kinda weird

When I was a kid growing up in Pennsylvania, I lived a very Huck Finn (Sh*t, or Tom Sawyer. I don't read.) life. I would go places. ...touch things! Get myself into all sorts of situations. Now I'm only left with memories. As a kid, I loved throwing gonzos. Well, that's what we called them. Not sure if it was regional or just my siblings. But we called those propeller seeds that would spin down from maple trees [in the appropriate season] "Gonzos" because they looked like Gonzo's antennae from Muppet Babies. How it worked was you take 'em, break 'em, and throw 'em [up in the air]. (I should work in advertising!) Then, science made them twirl to the ground! It was endless fun and one of my favorite activities as a kid. (Other than eating A.B.C. gum) I haven't thrown a gonzo in ages (Sounds like drug or sex slang...) and I hardly see them around any more. Never wanna forget how fun that was though. Spoze I could always name one of my kid's gonzo. That'd be fun for a while.

Ironic dancing

I think my ironic dancing has become my regular dancing. I realized this when I was at a New Years Day party. I was dancing with my hands above my head and my body was moving in a way I didn't recognize. I was doing "joke moves" with a straight face and I'm not sure for how long. Now, I'm not the best dancer, but I'm no dud on the dance floor either. I come from a long line if rug-cutters and shape-pullers, so I can't explain it. And, I know it's hard to distinguish real from fake dancing when you're having fun, but I was having a terrible time, so there's no excuse. I dunno, maybe I'm some kinda wereweird. I think I could handle it if there's the possibility that I could pass it on to a "normie" next fool moon.

Exercise your mental!

So here're the rules. 

There are three people and three houses. Each person has to make a single trip to each house, without crossing the path of another person. So moves like this...

and this...

are strictly prohibited. However moves like this...

are perfectly acceptable.

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "Officer transfers spirit energy to passed-out partier in rare ceremony."