Classy New Year, everyone!

Wishing you a classy new year from me, the duncess. team! Mind your liver! *chin-chin

New York's Resolution

It's not even new years but I've already given up my resolution of becoming a vegetarian. I think it had something to do with that italian tofurky sausage. It was like... cut-up pizza bagel in my penne. Not "gross" but basically an inferior product. And come on! Life is better than sh*tty food. (remember that!) So I've decided to do something cooler. Take killing lessons. Well, not killing but something like boxing, krav maga or ninja's apprentice. 'Cause it turns out that I'm a bit of a wuss. And keeping with my other resolutions of eating better and being fearless I really wanna throw my weight around in the coming year. Change is in the wind. And if the ancient myans were right this may be my last chance to make a name for myself before The Nothing comes. 

Tungfax

Now, I know tongue. In fact, I use mine everyday! So here are my favorite tongue facts! To make it more interesting I'm throwing in two unverified truths.

1. You can't taste taste on the middle of the tongue.
2. Human tastebuds last only 7-10 days.
3. It is possible to bite off your tongue, choke on your blood and die.
4. The underside of the tongue is the smoothest part on the body.
5. If the length of a bulimic's tongue is longer than half the length the distance between the thumb and forefinger, she's a fatty.

Outsider Art

Since I'm on a fixed income I haven't been able to splurge on art for my apartment. So I've been asking visitors to draw at least one picture if they want any kind of hospitality. This one's by my pals James and Katie titled "Pie". If they would've used paint instead of markers maybe I would've walked them to the bus stop. 

STYLE WARS

I cleaned up this Christmas! I didn't buy any gifts, but still managed to walk away with what veterans in the investment community call "impossible gains." One of my favorite gifts was a leopard print Snuggie® I got from my sister. Now, I consider myself a fashionable individual. And I used to say I'd rather eat a parboiled Croc® before being caught dead in a Snuggie® but it looks like all I'll be eating now is crow (really, O*****h?) because Snuggies® are mad warm! Not only is it great coverage for leaning against that hot wall in my apartment, since I'm tall and it's a blanket with sleeves, it fits me like a tailored fleece suit! My only gripe with it is since my sister and I are rocking the animal print ones, they make us look like gay Jawas. ("Not that there is anything wrong with that!")

Cosmic Coincidences III

(part I)
(part II)
Glasses* What* Been* Want You’re/your Last Play /playing Blood* Try/trying So/sew Gonna Like/likened* Home Together/2ge+her Looking* Love/lovely Hear This Day* Under* I* To* Like Just Was Hey Find Mind* Cheers* I love you* Darling/darlings My mind* Bye* 2/to You know* Book/booking Don't know* For* Crazy* There* Three/3* Them* Day/days* Started/start* Don’t* Opinion Look/looking* Fuck/fucking* I want Yeah* Hey* Three/3 People Buck* Too/2 Returns/returning* You* Time* Yeah* From But* What/waht* Don’t* Night You* Your/you’re* Sunshine/picture of the sun Have God Asked You It’s Flight Eight* Let For/4 To/too Really* Love Thank you* Live/living I* Feeling But The* Strict* You Mother’s /mom* Home* Prime* Man* Five/5* Waiting You* Great/greatest* We were* To/two Money* I* Later* You* Like Hahaha/(actual laughter)*Go to go Look I Come/coming Over* You’re/you See/seaI* Good It’s/It was* No/know I/eyes Good* One There’s* Feel/feeling Do it Black* House Need You* There once was a/ once there was a* To* Love Records Way* Long* How We were Go* Cold* Cry/cried There The room Do School *Wanna I’m* True My For/4 Can’t See As* Know* Yeah Girl* I’m getting You’re Feel* You Top* You Know* Big* Right* Give Much See/seen Died With You Can* Back Know* Shoulder* My My* My* Whole Tu/to* Would be So Wait/waiting* So* Wait/waiting* Now* Just* You* My Sleep Could* Year* Foot* Yet* Though* Heart* Yeah Don’t Stop* Day* Do* Me* Tell* You* I know* You’re Too* So* Could* Girl/girls* Tail* Me Like/liking Ready* Me* Come* Off/offline You For* Feet* You* To do* Say/says* Just Two/2 Don’t They No* Worst* You Like* Day/days Think Green* Good* You* Write* Before Cheryl* Blood* Married* Time* Crazy Hot/hottest About I* Fall/falls I/I’d To You* They It’s Is* Forgot/forget* Right* You Love* Outta there/out of here It’s Time/time’s You Get Was* Come/coming How Word/words Get/gets* You’re Feel* Know* You* If* Try Such Books/book* With I* Money Gonna Rosy/rosey* Mind Now*Know* Can’t/cannot Called In-law* Pay* You* [Home]stay/stays I am/I’m Night/tonight* Me* I* Even There/they’re I thought I was going to* Be Up* 

The True Meaning of Christmas

When I was younger, we celebrated a very Christian Christmas. We'd wake up early, read the Nativity story from Matthew and reflect on the goodness of God before ripping into our presents. We've carried on variations of that tradition as I've grown up, but it's noticeably thinned out in recent years. This Christmas was all about the meal. We scaled back the gift giving with the secret Santas, so the main focus was making sure dinner was ready at a reasonable hour. We cooked to a ready-made Christmas playlist and rounded off the baking around 4:30.

Since we're not savages, we opened dinner with a prayer. To keep the mood going, I thought it'd be nice to leave the background music on. What I hadn't anticipated was that the Beach Boys would come on just as we gathered around the table. So every time my dad would say, "...In Jesus' name." it would be punctuated by a mocking "Ooh~! Little SAINT Nick!" I tried my best to ignore it, but the growing sniggers from the visiting under-25s made me defenseless to the rhythmic undermining. I laughed throughout the prayer until I was forced to leave and turn off my iTunes. I couldn't help but think that maybe it was God's way of telling me that I was moving away from the true meaning of Christmas. Or, that it was Santan's way of claiming his stake in this growingly secularized holiday. Either way, I think I found a new tradition~!

'Twas the night before Giftsmas

I was going to write a whole revamped version of the poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," got four stanzas in and realized I wasn't up to it. (And, that it was really sh*t.) So, I decided to leave you with a Yuletide joke!

"What's the difference between snowmen and snow'omen?"
"I dunno, what?!"
"TSNOWballs!T"
"...You're gross."
❆✌☃❅hehehe... Merry Giftsmas, everybody!❅☃✌❆

It's like looking in a deep-fried mirror, y'all!

Thin Christmas

Back in early November when I made a Secret Santa Christmas agreement with my siblings, I was certain I would find career success in time for the holidays. But it's already Christmas Eve Eve ...Eve and I haven't bought a single present. Replies to my round-robin apology email assured me that they understood, but still I'd hate to be the person to break the circle of giving come Christmas day. I'm far too old for macaroni wreaths and popsicle frames, but I wonder what I could MacGyver-up for my secret gift child using objects from around my apartment. Where are them Merry Miracle Mice when you need 'em?

Here's most of the French I know!

(part I: "Here's Most of the Spanish I know")

Monsieur: Bonjour Madame Montaigne.
Madame: Ah! Bonjour Monsieur Meringue! Ça va?
Monsieur: Ça va.
Monsieur: Pardon moi mon petit ananas.
Madame: Quoi?
Monsieur: Voulez vous coucher avec moi?
Madame: Vous?
Monsieur: Oui.
Madame: Et moi?
Monsieur: Oui.
Madame: ...no. merci. No. [to waiter] Garçon?
Monsieur: Pourquoi, mon chéri?!
Madame: pomme frite ...civouplay
Waiter: Oui, mademoiselle.
Monsieur: Mon dieu! (*weeps)
Madame: Ou est le--
Waiter: [returns with fries] Voila! C’est magnifique pomme frites por vous, mademoiselle.
Madame: Mais oui! C’est tres jolie! Merci! [eats fries. Drops one.] Mon robe!
Monsieur: ...Voulez vous couchet avec waiter?!
Madame: No. Es bon ami a moi.
Monsieur: Es mon FRERE!!!
Madame: Merde! (*faints)
Monsieur: L’amore... (*smokes cigarette)

Cubian Slip

I've been filling out job apps for a while now, and for nearly every [respectable] job I can think of. And no matter the position, there hasn't been a time I didn't sing "Have you ever been convicted of a felony? YES!"

Blasted hood music'll be the debt of me if i don't watch out.

I wasn't that thirsty anyway

Don't Let Threats of Coal Stop you from Enjoying the Holiday Season

We're too old for most gifts anyway. Merry Merry!

Sometimes I have the best Jeopardy!® luck

Muscle Spaz

I don't know about you guys, but when I'm not paying attention, my body does the strangest things. It takes a lot of mental effort for me to go through the day with little more than the grace of a trained chimp. Because if I'm not vigilant my muscles move in a way I can't control and any human training I had goes out the window.

I think we're ready

Generally, once a phrase gets played out that's it. Sometimes it's a relief, as we're spared of the "Who let the dogs out?"s and "Getting jiggy widdit"s. But here are a few gems that I think could stand the test of time and that I'd love see make a comeback:

1. Did I do thaaat...?
2. Turtle power!
3. Where's the beef?!
4. Up your booty and around the corner!
5. Cut! (*sign) It! (*sign) Out! (*sign)
6. It's not a tuma!
7. Wheezing the ji-uice!
8. Wocka-Wocka!
9. You're a dead man, Ramsey!
10. Somebody STOP me!
11. Talk to the hand!
12. NOT the mama!
13. Mine ya biznis! (*twitch) Just mine ya biznis!
14. Oh botha...!
15. Make mine a CUB sandwich!

I've decided I wanna be in a band

I went to a concert for the first time in a long time yesterday and it was phenomenal! The Head and the Heart and my favorite band Stornoway. I jammed so hard I didn't know what to do with myself. So I've come to a conclusion. I wanna either start or join a band. Here's what I can bring to the table.

1. A [barely used] guitar. I took lessons in uni and entirely forgot them after I graduated. (But we don't have to be that kinda band.)
2. Obscure band T shirts. "If you've heard of it, chances are I don't got it!" Got this number last night!
3. "I don't care jeans" that have only been washed once this year. because, really, it's all about the music.
4. Vision. I can come up with band names and lyrics. We don't have to be "Secret Whiskers," I have others.   

So there. If you wanna gig together holler at me. What I lack in singing ability I make up for in gumption.

I don't understand technology

I have internet flowing through me, so why does it keep cutting out?

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "In attempt to lure women, Hungarian grandmasters introduce 'saucy' new game rule."

UCB something with cans

One of my oldest friends celebrated her birthday by organizing a volunteer party at the LA Food Bank this morning. We got there mad early and I saw that it was a common thing for people to set up volunteering efforts with them. There was another birthday party, a school group, and we saw that the Upright Citizen's Brigade was doing something as well. There were many unknown from the UCB cast, so I thought the the VIPs had peaked when I saw Wierd Al and put away my camera. But it was a veritable who's-who of people you're pretty sure you saw on TV. Alison Becker, Brendon Walsh, June Raphael, Matt Walsh, Jessica St. Clair, and the indelible talent Paul Scheer. First thing I thought was, "Okay, I wanna sort cans in THEIR line!" But instead, I was given a sticker that meant I would be corralled into an area where I'd be sorting broken toys from kid-unfriendly toiletries and later, rancid squash. It was fine, and I guess I should be grateful to be on this side of the giving machine, but I still couldn't help but feel classed out of a cooler task. (*sigh) I'll get there.

How do I make my banner blink?

Does anyone know how to do that?

 

(...this for like 5 seconds, then...)

 

(it doesn't have to be this eye though...)

 

(but I want a quick double blinky...)

(...before going back to normal. make some kinda boring anima-loop.)

And I'm not lazy. I'm "collaborating." (and ignorant.)

Letter Personality Chart

I don't know about you, but when I look at letters, or rather focus on them, each one of them has a distinct personality. I'm sure watching The Letter People played some part, but even the letters that make up what I'm typing right now each have a personality that, overtime, I've subconsciously assigned to them.  So like, I'd look at the word "word" and think, "What's 'W' doing talking to 'O'? Oh no! She must've heard something about 'V'..." I'm sure this probably says a lot more about me than it does about the letters but check it out. You may find that you might be crazy too!

Bargain Bin: Free Band Names/Album Titles

Dig in.

1. Colonel Gregory's Spirit Wank
2. Refried Beans for Baby
3. Social Tourism
4. Go gettem, Liger!
5. A Man. A Plan. A Canal. Your Mom. 
6. Top Maudlin
7. Alfred, The Technicolor Mexican
8. Gello Mentalman
9. Daily Bacon
10. Onwards and N-words

Rock on. Brrrrdeedledeedledeedleduuuuurrrr~!

Proposed Solution to Unemployment

Here's a job alert i got. Here's how I interpreted it: "Get to work! It's as simple as already being your own boss! I know it didn't occur to you before, but hey, you control the reins to your future now. Drive!"

My Paper Lamb

I once had a paper lamb. I made it in sunday school or some kind of class with a projector, guts and marker! Hmmm... not quite the same with photoshop. Sinister.

I think my mouth is broken

YOU try! "Shark Shaped Sewing Machine"
I dunno, maybe it's just me...

Christmas '89

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. When it goes well it's like ULTRA-birthday! And when it doesn't it's still better than most other days off school. My favorite Christmas is the first one I remember. Christmas 1989. It was a snowy morning in Erie, PA, I still believed in Santan and he gave me the bestest gift ever! A 3-minute ice cream maker! Creamy treats at my 5-year old fingertips! E***i, got a keyboard (that our little brother broke like 2 hours later) and O****e got an octopus. (*sigh) again. It was a storybook holiday! Even though my dad was stuck overseas because he couldn't get a visa to come home, I was too young and hopped-up on powdered ice cream to miss him. Truly a magical time of year.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night...

with the nagging feeling that it might be somebody's birthday you forgot?

Freezing Bread

My freezer is full of failed loaves of bread. A couple months ago someone told me that you can keep bread from going off by freezing it. Just put it in the toaster when you need it and they'll come out fresh as waffles. So I've been buying bread and when I think it's in danger of spoiling, I toss it in the freezer. I'm on my third loaf. Hopefully in the future science advances so I'll have the technology to eat it.

I'm learning basic html!

<html>
<title>I don't know what I'm doing</title>
<head>
shoulders <b>knees</b> toes
</head>
<body><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlwwoPFR9aYta7r-V-94FdxqGpsJ14sd9bE84z8mfbr5OxgxnKJ3sfUlU1MlPmvXZySQGyIw7R7fIh6f6MXFHtYY5sfuVuk7AVxZjqRReROer98ijcnNvV8fnXbATSFFCwFycVUMx1B1fj/s320/girl-shrugging.jpg" target="_blank"><span></span>
get me</body>
</html>

(i'll tell better jokes after i get good..)

How many types of white girl are there?

At least eleven. Introducing, in no particular order, American Girls: Felicity, Elizabeth, Kirsten, Samantha, Nellie, Rebecca, Kit, Ruthie, Molly, Emily and Julie. They're era dolls that are supposed to represent the different types of contemporary American girl.  Growing up, I was a huge fan of the dolls. My favorite one was Samantha (dead center).  She had the cutest outfits, a better bedroom set than me, and a real-live toy horse. I was determined to get her until 1993 when they debuted their black doll, Addy. I was beaming! When my catalog arrived, I flipped through it until I came to her bio and saw that she was a former slave. Even at 9, I thought, "Really, American Girl? The only black doll you could come up with was a 'courageous' runaway slave?! There're like four white dolls! ...She doesn't even have a bedroom set!!" And I fell out of love with the whole franchise.

Catalogs still come to my folks' house. Yesterday, I went through it for the first time in ages. I saw that they've since added a Native American doll in suede pjs, an American Mexican from New Mexico and a Chinese American one from San Fransiskee. Addy's even got a bed now! (Although the 'African' and inexplicable tiger on her quilt are a bit problematic..) Even though the colored dolls are a bit stereotypical, I'll agree that it's of course a step in the right direction. But now there are up to at least eleven kinds of white doll and I don't understand why. Surely there're some doubles in there! If I ever decide to buy an American girl doll I'd still buy Addy. I'd just go on eBay, buy all of Samantha's discontinued housewares and rewrite her back-story. Give her the life she's never known. Because apparently I can't rely on the cheeses at American Girl corporate to make a doll I wouldn't be ashamed to take to a tea party. Because everyone knows that slaves didn't drink tea [often].

My Phone

I don't have a fancy phone. I never have. I went from flip phone to japan where I got a flip phone to america where I got this dealy that looks like a melted ice cream sandwich. It came free with a phone my brother bought two years ago. It's a lot like the phone I had as a kid.

1. They both can't do anything fancier than calls.
2. I'm embarrassed to take them out in public.
3. And the service is just... terrible. 

I never thought it mattered what kinda phone I had as long as I could call out and keep up payments, but I dunno. Nowadays you have to own a "smart phone." My family and friends have blackberries mostly and just love the buttons off those things. They take it out at dinner and create little convo-walls with them before the food comes. It's isolating. It's even harder to answer calls around a blackberry. I keep it on vibrate and excuse myself out of the room. I bet I look like I have an overactive bladder 'cause I freeze, check my pocket and dash out. Not sure if I'll ever upgrade through.  It lets me be more present while everyone else tetrises and bbms their way through life. I say that now of course, but I think I mean it. My phone has served me well since I've come back and I don't feel the need to always have it on me. As long as no one else ever sees it, I think I'll be fine.

New Toy!

I know I sounded against it earlier but I got a gaming system. My roommate bought a Wii this past black friday! I've only played with it twice but can already tell I like it. My favorite part is the Miis, the Wii avatar you use to navigate the game. (Not that you don't know.) But yeah, it's pretty cool! Here's my dad! "Wiisa". He's so supportive! Plays in all my game-meets without a word of complaint. (*sigh) my dad is awesome...

Dream flying

I don't know why, but when i fly in my dreams i don't get that high up.  I either take slow-mo moon-leaps forward or fly with my feet nearly touching the ground like i'm being dragged by angels. next time that happens, i think i need to remind myself where i am.

Beauty and the Bigamist

Disney movies are known for leaving holes in their storylines. People or explanations that would be pertinent to the story are sometimes wholly unaddressed. (Like, where was Andy's dad in Toy Story? Where did Jasmine learn those kick-ass high-jump moves in Aladdin? or Wouldn't Nala be Simba's 1/2 sister if Mufasa was the only lion in the pride?) I was watching Beauty and the Beast yesterday and thought, "Where's Belle getting all these gowns from...? I don't recall her packing an overnight bag." 's odd, right? I've come up with a possible plot plug.

What if when Beast was a douchebag prince he had some kind of live-in lady. And after he told that beggar woman to f*ck off she was turned into like, a spoon or something, like everyone else. And Beast didn't mess with her anymore because, cummon, how's that gonna work? Or worst yet, what if she was just edited out because she didn't want to mess with (*whispers) beastly penis..! I think the most telling clue of this is young Chip. Mrs. Potts is way too old to have a cup that age. I know it's France, but let's be realistic. Anyway, Belle doesn't seem to mind, and just goes from scene to scene wearing that jilted dame's clothes. And how convenient Belle's the same size... Looks like SOMEbody's got a type...

Score!

I think I'll hold onto it for a while. Keep it with my other treasures...

Very Special Thanxgivin'

Tomorrow's the first thanxgivin i'll be spending with family since 2006! Yeah! Aaaand my sister and I are hosting it in our new apartment! So it's a biggun'. We've spent all day grocery hoppin', buying all the instant foods they carried. (I ♥ tinned food!) I'm not the most experienced cook so I'm glad all i'll need is right-hand-wrist-strength to prepare my part of tomorrow's feast. I'm really excited about tomorrow! I think i'm going to ham up how much the holidays with family means to me for extra yams and first crack at the wishbone. 'Cause I need a chance at that wish!

The Gift of Groban

Being a type of woman, I sometimes watch Oprah. I caught her "favorite things" show. An episode where she gifts an unexpecting audience with things they never knew they wanted. One of her blessings this year was a performance by Johnny Mathis and Josh Groban. I used to think of Josh Groban's music as the soundtrack of the uninteresting woman, but now, I dunno. From what I could tell from watching his performance in fast-forward, it didn't look half bad. Plus Oprah likes him so that's gotta mean something. ("She's my kwaen!") But yeah, I'm not going to chance it by buying a CD. I'm content watching him jig on my screen at 3x's speed. "And that's what Christmas means to me. Thanks." (*picks nose)

Making dinner

One of the great things about having a roommate is that time-to-time they share their dinner. I lived alone in Japan, and in three years, cooked maybe.... 23 times? I'd get back from work knackered and would just snack on whatever I had around. (A thing I'd call "snackering") Or, I'd pop off to 7-11 and pick up meals for the week. It was no way for a growing lady to live. But yeah, living with someone else is awesome. I bet a lot of dopes get married for meals. It's a sweet deal really, until the other person realizes you haven't made dinner all week. And that you're not even sleeping together. (GROSS! She's my SISTER!!) That's why I'm making cooking tomorrow. A gorgonzola-chicken ready-meal that just needs to be heated and tossed over pasta. Hopefully it tastes good enough for me to coast on free dinners 'til Thanxgivin'. Then, my goal is to stretch leftovers 'til [C]hannukah.

Names are not only important, they're necessary.

(Hint: None of these are for your tea. ...i think)

A Slur is Born!

My sister and I went to our local hot doggery yesterday to catch up with an old friend. We always go to that place because the food is great, the staff is nice (and gives me free juice) and they always have something interesting playing on one of their 5 flat screens. I was sitting opposite my sister watching this black and white movie that had Sammy Davis Jr and that black woman from Boomerang who goes "Marcus...! I'm not wearing any panties." and I asked my sister "What is this, 'Raisin in the Sun?'" and she goes, "Umm... wow. It's the Lakers!" See, the screen facing her was the game and she thought I was pointing out the large amount of black people on NBA teams by saying it was an all-black production.

It would be pretty awesome if i were knowingly that clever. I think it's hi-LA-rious because it can be used for anything! Like, if you drive up to the club and see a whole bunch of black people in line? ("What is this, 'Raisin in the Sun?'") If you go into a store and all the tellers are black? ("What is this, 'Raisin in the Sun?'") Or you [insert a situation with a lot of black people in it]! If you wanna use it, there should be at least three black people to make it work. But use this phrase at your discretion. I can say it whenever I want 'cause (*whispers)... I'm black. Jeeeeeealous...?! (*crip walks)

Really cool or really gross?

I had an idea to collect a sample of hair at least once a year until I die. I think it'd be cool because over time i'd be able to see a fading rainbow that shows I was once young and remind me that I'm going to die. But then I'm thinking it would be gross because for most of the time it'd just be a dusty vile of hair I'd have to explain to any one who saw [where i hid] it. And I'm pretty sure no one would think it was cool so i'd always have to come up with stories about how I'm... iono... trying to see if over time they'd form one long strand? Or say I'm collecting samples for that clone I'm trying to grow and then absorb? That's no way to live. No. Not in the future. Maybe this isn't such a good idea...

When it rains, it pours

After my scare last week I've spent at least 10 hours a day looking for work. And because of that, in the past two days, i've been on 4 interviews! When I left Japan, I didn't think a lady as clever as me ("I" ...see?!) would be unemployed for as long as I've been, so my savings have taken a beating. And so has my confidence. But I'm working my tookus off to make sure I can afford to maintain this lifestyle. Anyowl, tomorrow's a big 'un! An amazing company with an amazing record that I'm sure would just be amazing to work for. So I'm spending the evening making sure I come off amazingly in person. Because I seem to get enough interviews I just haven't figured out how to get them to like me. But I really want this job so I'll try anything. So far my plan is to wake up early, go to a bakery and get that sugary stink soaked into my clothes. No one can resist hiring the girl who smells like cookies.

weakness

You know what scares me more than undead potatoes? Melted plastic. I don't wanna get too into it, but I could be ruled by a melted spoon if news of this got to my enemies. Anyowl, after spending the day looking for work, I decided to wash dishes in the evening. I go to the stove to take a pot off and notice that it's warm. I look at the burner and I see the tiniest firebeads warming the pot. But I've been home all day and hadn't cooked. It turns out my roommate had cooked yesterday night and hadn't turned the stove completely off. I look into the pot and i saw that the spatula thing started to melt into the pan. I just turned off the oven and walked out of the kitchen. And that's all that happened. It's still in there. And is gonna be if I have nothing to do with it.

guess i should be happy it wasn't gas..