Saucy Meats

When you think about it, it pretty vulgar to show meat on TV. Especially raw. Cuts of dead animal all naked and portioned. It's enough to make a person reach for their most trusted book of Faith. And the words they use! "Juicy" "lean" "tender"..."sexy". Surely a skinned chicken breast should cause more uproar than a naked human one. I just don't get it. It is my personal shame that I continue to eat meat. But my great joy the sight of this, like much other porn, is free.

I'm thinking of quitting my job

Not my awesome-but-incredibly-stressful-9-5p but my inconvenient-and-unfulfilling-Saturday-12p - 5p. (and 11a - 4p or 4 - 9p...) It SUCKS! It's a retail job I got to hold me when I couldn't find work. But after I got a job, I decided to keep it because of the 60% discount. Which is fine if I were using it, but lately my life has been so topsy turvy I don't even have the strength to eat cookies. So basically, I'm selling my Saturdays for about $50. Completely not worth it. And not just that, the people who don't sell their weekends can be pretty mean. My last shift, a man actually told me put on a trench coat and walk for him. I've never felt so cheap! (Partly because I couldn't afford the coat...) I don't think I can do this anymore. But the idea of giving up an expiry-free voucher to discounted cute clothes doesn't appeal to me either. I don't know what I'm going to do, but something's gotta give. You would think that working in a shop would give me a better idea of what things were worth.

I'm Sleepy

You know the feeling you get when you're so sleepy it feels like your head is in a pot of luke warm water? You're choking on your own drowsy and you feel like you may actually, quite literally, die? I haven't had a full nights sleep all week and have been showing my haggard face to the world every day. I'm glad it's finally the weekend. 

(...coincidentally how my pillowcase looks the odd Sunday morning.)

Do any of you peel oranges with a napkin?

I hate it when that citrus peel juice (or “zest” if you’re a pr*ck) get’s on my hands. It’s awful. I feel like I have some sort of dermal calcification disease. My paws get to looking like Thing from F4. Then I get depressed that I'm wasting my god-like strength peeling fruit. So I bite through the skin and kick it up a wall and then am told by my roommate that I don't get to eat oranges in the house anymore so now I use napkins.

I don't take advantage of my parents being alive

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I hardly call... I barely write... And I never invite them to any of my parties! I don't know why I'm dragging my feet. My parents are going to die one day. And don't feel sad for me! Your's
 are going to die too! Only if they're not already dead, of course. (Sorry for your loss.) That's sad, right? And it's tragic that one day I'll be someone's mom who died. And that's if I'm lucky. I could just die! Starting tomorrow I have a new mantra to live by: "Live each day as if it were your parent's last."

Gee, I hope I'm not jinxing anything... Maybe I won't change and they'll just live forever.

So... what exactly IS Earth?

From Pangea to gonwanaland and all that unpronounceable post-antediluvian matter, what do you reckon Earth is? Is it like, this huge water-sphere with these slowly moving land masses? Or like, a drowned spike-ball. Areas of interconnected land separated by oceans. 

Trick question. Neither! Everyone knows Earth is a state of mind protecting our feet from the biting fires of Hell. Read the Bible, people! 

This never gets old!

and what's up with this youchube-talk-back?!

My favorite over-heard conversation

This weekend, I visited my neighborhood planetarium for the first time and it was AMAZING! I got to see the moon up close, saw a Frankensteined-out Tesla Coil and a real-life human gargoyle! There were kid's yelling, "I wanna be Jupiter!" and couples kissing under telescopes. It was pretty cool, but the place was swarming with nerds! You couldn't MOVE for people with clipboards and eyeglasses! But I guess the planetarium is full of all sorts. It's a great place for people-watching. And also, a fantastic place to eaves drop. I heard the most awesome series of sentences there. While walking down from the roof I heard this kid with a clipboard say,"Man, if evolution is real, we sure owe a lot of people apologies." Then he goes, "I'm just kidding, evolution ain't real!" Perfection!

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "Miffed Muffler: Sentient scarf shows disagreement with recent poll results."

I've always wanted to do that to a dog's tail

...like a stripped stalk of wheat.

Middle-Eastern problem

Now I know why people have a problem with "Arabs." hmm... or Israelis? Looks like she's negotiating her own peace talks.. Those crazy kids need to just get along!

"Seat's taken!"

Current events bring this to mind...

We could learn a lot from Pocahantas re: this Bin Laden Situation.

One movie I am NOT watching

"Handsome 1st-term Black president rids world of Osama Bin Laden just months shy of 10 year anniversary of 9-11!" 

Yeah, I can already tell how this one's going to end..

I've decided to change the font

Not just because it's filled with blood and Alphabets® but because things have become increasingly harder to read in Courier. So I've upgraded to a more reader-friendly font. I'm thinking of making some other changes, but I haven't decided what yet. It would be great if I could monetize this thing. Bring in a few extra nickles for my habits. "Neutrogena presents: duncess. blog" ... It'll come to me.

Don't you hate it when someone talks over your joke?

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The dog's face says it all

A slice of royal hullaballoo. I haven't seen an animal's face this expressive since those monkey's dropped that piano. 

Photo courtesy of NO ONE!