≈98.5% True Story

I had the weirdest shopping experience today. Since I'd finally "arrived" my roommate and I decided it was time to upgrade our furniture so we took a trip to Big Lots!. As we were parking we saw this dude pacing the lot with a knife in one hand and half a pineapple in the other. My roommate said, "That's not gonna sell any pineapples." I thought that was racist because he was [whatever race he was] and figured he was just having his lunch. We get out of the car and see him accost this lady with her children, stick the knife in the pineapple and point it at her. She grabbed her kids hands said no and walked past him. Then he walks towards us and does the same fruit-mime. I made sure to smile as I said "no" so I wouldn't, at worst, get a pineapple stained hole cut into my chest.

We go inside and try out some sofas. We find one we liked then talked about how we'd arrange them when this old man came up to us and calmly asked if we "liked peeled grapes." I said how that was a weird thing to say to a person then he spent a full minute explaining how they represented "the best things in life." After we refused his cryptic blessing he insulted us saying we didn't get his joke and then went to bother some child-strangers to listen to their mother. It was crazy in there so we decided to leave. But then on our way out my roommate notices Lynn Whitfield, dressed like a bag lady, inspecting impulse buys opposite the check-out. That was the final straw. I left the store, bought some Girl Scout cookies and sampled some street pineapple before promising myself never to shop there again*.

*This sentence contains untrue statements.