Lessons in eating out

David Mitchell has some enlightened views on public mastication. And how eating out is as intimate as it is an odd ritual for strangers to share. Before yesterday I used to enjoy going out for a hot meal and a hearty side of people watching. Thinking about how any random him or her is having a unique dining experience to me. And how, no matter our differences, we chose to dine at the same restaurant at the same time. I used to think that was pretty cool. Unifying. Until yesterday. My roommate and I decided to to go Olive Garden. America's sh*tty Italian guilty pleasure.  After ordering, I see this woman beyond our table hold up a new New Balance sneaker and gesture with it to the man in front of her. My first thought was, "Oh people and their ways!" and forgot about her. Then I start eating and I see her take all the breadsticks and individually wipe all the parmesan cheese and oil from it. I gave her a look like, "You're ruining it!" but then figured that if that guy couldn't stand up to his bread being ruined, maybe he DESERVED his bread to be ruined, and I left it.

But as I'm eating my food I see her take the breadsticks, break them in half, then split them down the middle with her index finger. I was transfixed. What on earth was she doing?! I was repulsed but I couldnt look away! Then she took her spaghetti and meatballs and fork-stuffed them into the breadsticks! It was all I could do not to scream or be sick right there at the table. I could tell this hadn't been the first time she'd done this. Her movements were as beautiful as they were disgusting. I actively tried for the rest of my meal to not look in her direction. I went on enjoying my meal when finally I see her signal the waiter. He returns with a carry out box. The woman then starts lining up her narrow sandwiches end to end, about 10 of them, before closing it, paying their check and leaving. It may not seem as bad as words you're reading, but it was one of the weirdest dining displays I'd ever witnessed. That coupled with her crossed eyes and ski vest made me wonder if maybe I was being taught some kind of lesson about paying more attention to my surroundings or perhaps to become blissfully unattached to those around me. But the more I think about it, I think it was more a sign to never dine at Olive Garden again. Or at the very least, to perfect my audible sigh.

Cheapskate Sweepstakes: "Stornoway"

STORY BEHIND CONTEST: The other day I was at my neighborhood Walgreens (or "chemist" if you're from certain places) when I decided to print pictures off my camera. I wanted to blow up this picture I took with the band Stornoway after a concert last December. But when it printed, it had this huge crease across it. They said they would do it over but there was something up with the machine so it took aaaages! I wanted a good'un so I decided to wait. The guy was having a time working the machine and had to call in his manager at one point. And after waiting the better part of an hour, it printed. Then again. ...and again. And even again! In the end, that beast churned out TEN 8x10"s! All with little creases across the top. I have no need for 9 pictures so I decided to throw an old fashion scwheepshtakes! My blog isn't very popular so I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, but so far the details are as follows:

RULES: Write a short statement on the topic: "Why I want this photo." An ideal entry would begin, "I want this photo because...", "What this photo means to me..." or even "When I was a photo..." And include your email/mailing address. I'm not [openly] psychic.

PRIZE: The picture you'll receive won't have any of this digi-writing, but it will have a faint crease across the top. And perhaps additional creases from shoddy packaging.

WINNER: The winner will be chosen by me and will be determined on creativity and by my debilitating laziness. But it will NOT be first come first serve. (I have a brand to protect.)

COST: All delivery costs will be borne (bear..ed?) by me. But I will use the slowest cheapest shipping means available so don't hold your breath.

So yeah, if you want a picture of a cool someone you might not know in a picture with an awesome band you probably never heard of send your statement to "duncessblog@gmail.com" or comment below! This sweepstakes is ongoing so enter, why not?! Your life may be better for it!*


*duncess. does not take responsibility for lack of change in quality of life. 

My favorite words to google-image

In no particular order:

1. persian kittens
2. beyonce blackface
3. albino humans
4. nicole richie fat
5. bad cosplay
6. smiling wombat
7. awesome face paint
8. nebula[e]
9. mammatus clouds
10. bizarre fish
11. meth before after
12. trompe l'oeil
13. spiderman tattoo
14. obese animals
15. fetal skull

hono[u]rable mention:

dog scuba suit

≈98.5% True Story

I had the weirdest shopping experience today. Since I'd finally "arrived" my roommate and I decided it was time to upgrade our furniture so we took a trip to Big Lots!. As we were parking we saw this dude pacing the lot with a knife in one hand and half a pineapple in the other. My roommate said, "That's not gonna sell any pineapples." I thought that was racist because he was [whatever race he was] and figured he was just having his lunch. We get out of the car and see him accost this lady with her children, stick the knife in the pineapple and point it at her. She grabbed her kids hands said no and walked past him. Then he walks towards us and does the same fruit-mime. I made sure to smile as I said "no" so I wouldn't, at worst, get a pineapple stained hole cut into my chest.

We go inside and try out some sofas. We find one we liked then talked about how we'd arrange them when this old man came up to us and calmly asked if we "liked peeled grapes." I said how that was a weird thing to say to a person then he spent a full minute explaining how they represented "the best things in life." After we refused his cryptic blessing he insulted us saying we didn't get his joke and then went to bother some child-strangers to listen to their mother. It was crazy in there so we decided to leave. But then on our way out my roommate notices Lynn Whitfield, dressed like a bag lady, inspecting impulse buys opposite the check-out. That was the final straw. I left the store, bought some Girl Scout cookies and sampled some street pineapple before promising myself never to shop there again*.

*This sentence contains untrue statements.

I really need a thesaurus..

You know what? Who cares! So what if my vocabulary is limited? I'm not ashamed of it. I know words that would blow your mind! They just don't happen to be relevant to most of my posts. So go ahead and sneer, you pusillanimous pilgarlics. I'll do just fine.  

Congratulations! It's a Burden!

If you haven't been told or figured it out by now, I got a job! It's a bit weird doing things in the morning, but it's kind of fun working in an office again. Like today, it was Mardi Gras so we ate a "King Cake". It's the tradition of eating a colorful cake with a [plastic] baby hidden in it. At first I thought the gag was whoever finds it won't go to Hell, but it turns out that they just have to throw the party next year. And who wants to do that, right? So I made a calculated cut, trying to get a piece too small to hide a toy but still big enough to hold me 'til lunch. And as fateful eff up would have it I got the baby. Everyone got a good laugh out of it. But I panicked! I didn't want that baby! But damn, if I didn't want a piece of cake. So like any other unprepared mother, I did the only thing I knew to do, gave it away. I swaddled it in paper towel and left him on someone's desk like a sticky unwanted Moses. I'm sure who ever ends up with him will throw a rager of a King Cake party next year, so I have no regrets. I just started last week! I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: "Local hero 'Tunisia Man' is told situation is beyond his help."