I don't put anything past Kevin James

I can see it now...

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "Man lends spirit energy to power cathedral"

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: Jewish men sent to Naughty Wall for treatment of Palestinians.

What are birds even DOING?!

That's weird, right?

Womanly Curves

I'm sick of magazines thinking just because I'm a woman, I have curves. Curves that only the right kind of clothing makes the difference from me being plus sized or a slut. Sure I'm a woman, but I only have slight curves. Like a penis.

An Offering For Optos

The blue-eyed robot. Your obedience pleases him.

No Apologies

I know I always have excuses on why I haven't been able to update this blog, but enough is enough.  I realized that sometimes I have time to post blogs and most other times I don't.  I will try my best to post when I can, but when I can't, without apology, I hope you can forgive me. <3

Pie Binge

This weekend I spent nearly $40 dollars on pie!  I went to a restaurant that was 80% pie and just went nuts!  But not nut pie. Pumpkin, lemon meringue and cherry.  I LOVE cherry pie!  At least I thought I did.  I ate one of the many slices I deserve and realized that cherry pie is nothing but maraschino cherries and slime.

Today, in [Fake] News!

Headline: "Progressive Jewish Sect Accept All Who Believe: Gentile Fence Overjoyed"

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: "Dozens Cower As Bullies Claim Another Beach"

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: "People's Republic of Phun: Citizen Gets Turn With Nation's Kite. Damage to Kite Felonious Offense."

[Almost] Perfect Crime

I know I always have a excuses as to why I don't blog but hear my out. I've been busy the past few weeks pulling an elaborate con. It needed all my attention and I got to say it was worth it.

Let me set up the scenario, ever since I returned from Japan, I've lived in a place that looked like this.

Not fancy, but fine because I was unemployed and owned no stuff. Also my old roommate (thats right, i have a new roommate now!) always had it in mind that she'd be moving to NY so she didn't want to commit to halvsies on anything she knew she wouldn't be keeping. But in February she moved and I finally had the chance to make the place my own.  Which I didn't.  I was happy living like this until mid April when I remembered I'd be hosting a friend from overseas for two weeks.  So I dedicated the next three weeks shopped and dusted to make my house look like this: 

I would've gotten away with it if I wasn't such a dope. I couldn't stop smiling and within the first 30 minutes I spilled the beans that I'm a window-dressing phony. Which is fine. I suffered enough.

What a waste

Yikes!

This simply won't do.  Time to make up for lost time. ...TIME!

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "Swiss Army assemble for annual exercises."

And moreover, FINALLY!

I'm an official titled employee!  I recently got a type of promotion and qualified for these boasting notes!  I only got a box so think hard before you beg me for one. Maybe for your birthday.  Or special favo[u]rs.

Call me!

Finally!

Justice! Restitution for all those shattered sandwiches.  I gave them an earful and they gave me a mouthful. Who's the SmartOne now? ...YOU'RE petty!

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: "It's that time of year again: Diminutive farmers make treacherous trip up Mt. Breakfast for annual Chex harvest. "

Say what you will...

...but Ryan Gosling doesn't do anything for me.  He looks like an albino Stefan Urquelle.

Do you believe in omens?

I do, maybe. Well, this morning I woke up to find a beekeeper outside of my house.  But I continued my day to find out my early-morning meeting was canceled, my boss brought me makeup and soup (Mmm! Auspicious!), and then I hear my work will be flying me out to New York for a few days real soon! Great day!

This is what I saw when I came home.

A billiondy scattered bee corpses. I hope this doesn't affect my tomorrow... 

20 Words That Sound Like [Certain Kinds Of] Black Names*

1. Arduous
2. Dossier
3. Vermillion
4. Chrysalis
5. Rosacea
6. Fibrous
7. Area
8. Loquacious
9. Rotunda
10. Veracity
11. Credenza
12. Audacious
13. Humidity
14. Sanguine
15. Accuracy
16. Reticent
17. Organza
18. Risqué
19. Artillery
20. Magnificence

If it helps, close your eyes and imagine it being yelled in a grocery store.
(*And I don't mean to be offensive. I just so happen to be a certain kind of Black.)

This poor economy is getting out of hand!

Now I can't even afford a cup of coffee!  Double darn these cutesy fees..!

I love Japanese McDonalds

Even though you spend less than $10 they make you feel like you spent $100.  

As a kinda of American, I thought it proper I had me one of these.

I couldn't resist! It had a huge dallop of white and what looked like slices of steak but ended up being some kinda fancy bacon! Americans LOVE bacon! And dallops. And white?! Fageddabowdit!

So what if it wasn't a beautiful burger?  It's not like the others are winning any beauty contests.

And who cares if it was the saltiest burger I've ever had?! For those clever dip-able ketchups I'll run to the ends of the Earth.

Sorry for the Silence

I was in Japan last week.  I used to live there.  I used to teach English sentences. Not dissimilar from these ones! I had these amazing students my last year in Japan and knew I wanted to come back at least one time for their high school graduation. My biggest fear though, was that I'd return to find out they outgrew me. There's little worse than being more excited to see someone you love than they are to see you. But I was in luck, because when my kids finally saw me, they burst into tears! It's a weird feeling wanting someone to miss you. As they start crying you think, "Yes! YES!! More!  Thats right! All the tears!"  and you start to feel like some kind of sadness-fueled monster.  Sure, its good for a while. But it starts to get weird when you have to explain why you're grinning with your eyes closed.

(Ha! "Titty")

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: "Real Dogs Wear Pink: Husky refuses to race until gay jokes cease"

So this is how they expect you to lose weight, huh?

Shattered sandwiches. An effective appetite suppressant. Fine, I'll have some kind of vegetable maybe...

Do you ever have one of those days...

...when all the clouds look like sharks?

*sigh

I hate seeing children on magazines

But I know what I do like...

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: "'Over when I say so' - Phil predicts business with neighborhood sandbox unfinished."

Awful Surprise

My boyfriend surprised me with flowers last week. I rarely get flowers and I never get tulips (my favo[u]rite) so I wasn't sure what one would look like when it dried.  I thought I'd save a blossom, for my reasons, but it just looks terrible. Maybe if I hadn't hung it to dry it wouldn't look like it was murdered.

I wonder if this was on purpose...

I doubt it's a coincidence the only neighborhood "Al Green's" is on Crenshaw.

Today, in [fake] news!

Headline: Aud Lang Signs: Mercy from above as three horseman abort plan to end world in 2012.*

(*The belief is that the world will end after December 21st this year.  More accurate news in 2012!)

My new invention*

Pancake-spoon!  You're welcome.

(*life-changing ideas in 2012!)

I only totally geek out once a year

Around Christmas.  Maybe it's best for my reputation if you don't know what I'm referring to/to what I'm referring*...

(*correct grammar in 2012!)