Tom Petty is a down to Earth jerk!

I was hosting someone at mine and decided to take the to a local giggle bar for a taste of LA colo[u]r. So I buy tickets online as asked a friend if she wanted to join us Sunday. "Sure!" She goes. (She doesn't go.) "Don't forget to buy your ticket!" I warned. "What the f*ck are you talking about?" She asked. (We swear at each other.) "Sundays are free!" So I call and it turns out that I somehow managed to buy tickets to a free show. I don't want to get too into it. But the guy over the phone said, "Yeah, sorry about that. Just bring your ticket in before 9pm and we'll refund your money, c*nt-munch." (He sometimes swears at me too.)

So I come in, EARLY, ticket in hand and ask random employees where discounts are handed out. And someone directs me to this official looking guy in a booth. (I'm going somewhere with this.) And he tells the dude that I called and if he could give me a refund. And the guy goes, "Man. I can't do that. Ask Dean." And "Man" goes. "Well, where's Dean?" "Dean's not here." And he looks at me and's like, "Dean's not here. He's here Monday." Then he was all like "How did you buy tickets to a free show?" and "Man, this is a business. We don't even usually GIVE refunds!" But then he said I could call Dean later and he could sort it out over the phone. So I'm like, cool, and ask him if I could get his name if I run into any trouble, and he goes "Pssh... It's Tommy!" All irritated like I asked if HE wouldn't mind giving me money from his own wallet and having Dean pay HIM back!

So I'm led into the club and after a courageously awful comic finishes the MC goes. "Now wasn't that awful." And then does hurtful riffs about people in the audience. Then Tommy comes on and resets the stage for the next comedian. And the MC is like, "Oh wow. Thanks, man. Give it up for Tom Petty." And of course it was. Wearing a staff t-shirt and setting up chairs at a Hollywood comedy club. Of course I would've been more impressed if I would've recognized him right away. Or if he wasn't parading himself like a pauper. And I'm like, if he's f*cking THE Tom Petty I still don't see what the big deal was! He had that $35 dollars...

More like "Mr. HELP Clean"!

You're FILTHY!

Bad Karmal

I drove today. Well, I didn't so much drive as I was behind the wheel. I am not licensed or able to drive but I do have permission to learn. And today's the first day in months I've been motivated to try. My roommate and I were running errands today when we return to the car and see someone parked like 8" away from the drivers side. "Here's my time to shine!" I thought. And I volunteered to shimmy into the driver's from passenger's, put the car in reverse and save the day. Easy peasy! So I get in. First things first, I put on my seat belt, 'cause if I learnt anything from "Sister, Sister" I know safety is key to responsible drivin'.

So I check my mirrors, turned the key and placed the stick in "R". "Way to go!" She yelled! "You're doing it!" I thought she was saying as I expertly looked at her over my shoulder and reversed. I smiled and looked to her for more congratulations when I saw she looked panicked. "Break! Get out!" She was grating her teeth and motioning for me to stop. Turns out that as I was reversing I was taking a bit of the other car with me. I scratched a nice thin strip of gray across its doors. Or at least I think it was gray as I tried to inspect the damage as we drove off. I don't feel good about what I did. (Or the image I'm using to illustrate it...) But living with the guilt is part of my punishment.

Bathroom Stalling

I'm not one for potty-talk but you never hear as much unwanted p*ssing sounds as when you work in a large office. It's gross but pretty funny. Especially if it's the hurried micturition of someone you see everyday. What's even funnier is when you're finishing up (*ahem) on the toilet and you hear someone walk into the next stall. You hear all the "prep noises" and then silence. You go to wash your hands and see the shy tootsies of an anonymous co-worker reflected in the mirror. They're obviously trying to take (*whispers) a poo but they feel too self conscious to "make bears" in front of others. It's a great time for a nice linger before checking all your personal emails before heading back to work.

Black Hairstory

I changed my hair recently. I'm not going to go too much into it, but I look pretty different. At least, I think so. I don't know about you, but I hate it when I change my hair and no one says anything. And I think that's a pretty normal way to feel. It's not like I go 'round elbowing folks in the ribs like, "Go on! What's there different 'bout me?" I just feel it's part of good manners. Especially if one looks as differently with changed hair as I do now. ANYOWL, I was at work the other day, hair all different and no one said anything! So I think, guess I don't look as good/different as I thought I looked. And just went on with my day. Then later, one of my co-workers came up to me and said she loved my hair! She is maybe like Eastern European but with really good English. And apparently, at least, a basic understanding of Afro-textured hair. This is how the exchange went:

Her: Oh wow! Your hair looks really good!

Me: Gee, thanks!

Her: I didn't know it was that long!

Me: Yeah, me neither! I was pretty hesitant for them cutting off as much as they did!

Her: Is that because it takes so long to grow?

Me: Um... no. Not really. My hair grows fine, it just has a tendency to break off.

Her: Is that because black hair is so dry?

Me. Sure.

Bless her for trying to relate to me.

Kate care less

I was in the store the other day and saw this magazine simply titled "Kate". It was an entire generic glossy dedicated solely to future British Princess (Queen?), Kate Middleton. Seeing it really upset me. Even as a self-described Anglophile, like most other Americans, I care nothing of the Royal Wedding. We hardly know anything about Prince William. We're mostly, "Wasn't he just 12 years old?" and "Ooh, wasn't it horrible when the TV killed that poor child's mother?" The gravity of it is lost on me. When are the media going to realize that Americans have given up fawning over royalty the day we discovered Johnny Depp films and collectable state quarters. It's bad enough we lost the accent! We don't need the media reminding us we'll never be the subject of a hunky sovereign.

(Hachi machi! "My KINGDOM for a hug...!")

Watch this spot for AWESOME!

I've been on this retro toys kick lately. I've collected a pull-string heli-flyer, a net-bag of jacks, a free Marc Jacobs rubix cube and this Etch-A-Sketch someone gave me today at work! It was at the corner of this dudes desk. And like a penniless child licking it's lips outside the window of a sweets shop, I was hoping if I made myself visible he would take pity and give it to me. And he did! 12 hours with an Etch-A-Sketch and see what I've been able to scribble! This one's for you, Rosebud! ♥

...I don't hate it...

This is unacceptable!

I don't know what happened. First, I was just taking a break. I was irritating myself constantly thinking of content to post and convinced myself it was alright if I skipped the odd day. Next I was blaming it on work. Saying that I would obviously have less time to devote to recording nonsense. Then before you know it, I drop off the guinea map! I can't account for it, because honestly, I haven't been that busy. I'm thinking that somewhere along the line I maybe forgot I had a blog? I'm pretty sure. I know that's hard to believe because of the ferocity I started with in Septober. But I must remember that I'm a creature of routine and convince myself to blog at least 2ce a week. I think I can handle that. And bless you nameless few who've checked in now and then. Your devotion will not go in vain. To make up for my total lapse in typing, I will play a little bit of catch up. I just hope I don't over do it like i did in October. It pissed all over importance of my 100th post.

Today, in [fake] news!

HEADLINE: "Spectators scream, 'UFOul!' Two-headed man claims unidentified aircraft already there when he arrived on scene."